On the morning of Thursday 24th of November 2011, the table looked tight:
TEAM
PLAYED
WON
DRAWN
LOST
DIFF
POINTS
SEIU
4
4
0
0
10
12
FC Twente Camel Blue
4
3
0
1
8
9
Reservoir Badgers
4
3
0
1
5
9
SussexSport
4
2
0
2
0
6
The No-Hopers
4
0
0
4
-12
0
Euro FC
4
0
0
4
-11
0
With the leauge title seemingly wrapped up by SEIU, the Badgers entered the biggest game in their history hoping to clinch a historic second place finish, and with it, qualification to the knockout stages.
All of the Badgers seemed fired up before the game, and it was clear that the Holy Management Trio would have no problem motivaing their squad. Artem Jankovskij, in particular, was in a fighting mood, and his screams of desire pushed the Badgers onwards, even before the game had started.
Things seemed to be destined to be more difficult than in previous weeks, and before the game the Badgers suffered a few major set-backs. Chief among these was the fact that the opposition had 6 players, something that the Badgers haven't had to deal with for some time. The Badgers were also hit by the devastating news that Matt Clark and James McAcanniedoitcappn were striken with illness for the game and couldn't play. Tony Breslin immediately ran to the press in an attempt to spread dirty rumours that Clark refused to play because of 1/3 Manager Ben Wheatland, but he was stopped by a sudden dose of realisation that Ben is not a dick and this joke has gone on far too long. In light of this, Josh Staniforth bravely stepped up to the plate, despite the fact that he had no gloves. Staniforth had this to say in a pre-match interview:
"I apologise in advance, we will definitely lose because I am in goal, and I will certainly not keep us in the game with a series of stunning saves"
In an unprecendented move, the opposing teams requested to play 20 minute halfs, instead of the regular 15, and this was symptomatic of their whiney, whingy, moany and bitchy style of play. A series of misunderstandings arose throughout the game, with Camel Blue players disagreeing on a number of things that 1/3 Manager Ben Wheatland was only too happy to forcefully and loudly correct them on. One Camel in particualr took offence to Jankovskij's fighting spirit, as the Lithuanian literally ripped his hump from his back in an attempt to get the ball from him. Will Downs looked shocked.
The game kicked off in boring fashion, with both teams fashioning little in the way of chances. Wheatland turned the lumbering Dromedary that was marking him early on, but his finish was wayward. Wheatland was again guilty of missing a sitter after some great battling from Cameron "Premium Lager" Stuart, who was clearly inspired by Jankovskij's almost unholy desire to "WIIIIIIIIIN!".
Despite the dull nature of the game, Staniforth was called upon in the Badgers' goal twice, both times pulling out phenomenal stops. The most memorable of these was from a snap shot from a small Arabian Camel (not being racist, that is a species and another name for a dromedary). The ball rocketed, seemingly inevitably, towards the top corner. Staniforth casually leapt to his left, and with the strength of a thousand run-away trains, punched the ball to safety with his feet, pausing only briefly to pose for the cameras.
At half time, things were serious. 1/3 Manager graciously left the team talk to Breslin and Staniforth, who urged the team to up their game just one more notch. All except Jankovskij, who was dangerously hyped up anyway, and was being calmed down by Will Downs, who understood the gravity of the situation anyway (he's a smart lad).
At this point, and in a season of groundbreaking awesomeness, something stunning happened. Two fans arrived. Nichola and Manon joined the Badgers' camera team (Yessi Rees, who deserves a mention) on the sideline, and settled down to watch a stunning second half of history.
Only 3 minutes in to the second half, the Badgers took the lead. After good work from Artem "I WILL GET BALL" Jankovskij, the ball fell to Wheatland who was clear of the defence. Wheatland wrong-footed the keeper before cooly slotting the ball into the roof of the net, ignoring the charging Bactrian Camel that was literally coming up behind him, running in that weird way that Camels do...
Scenes of jubilation. Wheatland charged at Jankovskij in an attempt to thank him for his assist, but succeeded only in flattening him, (Not even fight on the scale of Jankovskij could stop a charging Wheatland), before the team got back to business. The game was opening up now, with the Badgers' hasseling game paying dividends. Simon Lofving and Sam Hamberger were imperious at the back. Hamberger's tackling was sublime (drawing loud "OOOOH"s and "AAAAAH"s from Will "Its all too much, I think I need a sit" Downs), while Lofving's professional training was shining through. Never has a Badger had more time on the ball than Lofving, who calmly sat down and read The Daily BORP before passing the ball on mopre than one occasion.
Only 5 minutes later, and the Badgers had effectively sealed off the tie. Cameron Stuart, desperate to earn another premium lager, battled like a Lithuanian to win the ball from two separate, but equally huge Camels. Humps and oddly toed feet flew everywhere as Stuart ploughed on, before he looked up to fire past the stranded Camel 'keeper (His gloves wouldn't fit over his odd feet, and the positioning of his knees meant he was ungainly in goal).
The entire team ran to Stuart to celebrate, and spirits were higher than a Leprechaun on the hump of a Camel.
The game continued, with the Camels exerting more and more pressure on their Badgery counterparts. Staniforth was again the Badgers' saviour as he flung his top drawer wide open to deny two more efforts that threatened the Badgers' joy. Staniforth was clearly growing in confidence, and he calmly allowed one long range strike to cannon dangerously off of the crossbar without so much as batting an eye lid. Jankovskij made sure that Staniforth would never do that again by chanelling some of his Lithuanian fight and desire into him, and this directly lead to Staniforth pulling off another stupendous save in the dying seconds.
The Badgers held out for the win.
The scenes were delightful to see; after 7 seasons of failure, Reservoir Badgers FC had finally qualified for the knockout stages.
Jankovskij, his part played, simply powered down. Cameron Stuart started sobbing. Will Downs stood, staring blankly into space, clearly overwhelmed. Simon Lofving was grabbed by journalists, and proudly stated that "I like English football". The old stalwarts of the Badgers shook hands and shared a knowing look. The impossible dream had been achieved.
After 35 games, Reservoir Badgers had come second in a league, and qualified.
But the impossible dream was about to be bettered.
A passing SEIU player (see Reservoir Badgers 0-3 SEIU) gave some interesting news to the Badgers' management team: SEIU had lost their final game of the season, heavily. This meant, that, by virtue of goals scored, Reservoir Badgers FC finished top of the division.
It was the fairy tale ending that the Badgers, after all their persistence, deserved.
Details of the knockout stage to follow.
