The Reservoir Badgers arrived at the Badger Set, trembling with anticipation. It had been two weeks since their last game, and they were clearly itching to get back to winning ways.
In the build up to the game, new signing Dan Buchanan was officially unveiled, immediately stating his desire to do well for the team, and hopefully feature in his first match report, after last week's technological fiasco. There was also a return for James MaccaroniandCheese, playing his first game since the quarter-final loss last season.
Hope and optimism were rife amongst the squad, and this clearly transferred itself to the expectant fanbase, who were baying for the blood of the Banditos long before the game began. The police, always a regular fixture at Badgers games, tried their usual tactics of kettling and abuse (Yes, I just joined the "We hate the police because we are students and have nothing better to do than spot non-existent conspiracies within our state's institutional framework" bandwagon. I apologise). However, this clearly wasn't working, and so the military were called in to disperse the crowds using rubber thermo-nuclear explosives. None were harmed, although the good point was made that releasing the hounds may have been more effective, as they have previous when it comes to catching Badgers.
This fixture also marked the first game in many seasons that the Badgers would have to function without their inspirational 1/3 Manager Tony Breslin, who was unable to attend due to surfeit of interviews, TB etc. Another notable absentee was goalkeeper Matt Clark, who was unable to play thanks to a surfeit of not replying to texts, TB etc. Despite these set-backs, the two remaining members of the Holy Management Trio played their part in rousing the troops, and by kick off (delayed by nearly 20 minutes due to a surfeit of other teams not hurrying the fuck up, TB etc) the Badgers were quite literally, insane. With one final instruction to Artiom Jankowskij ("Stick to the little guy like a limpet!") the game finally kicked off. Initially, the two teams seemed balanced: Stand in 'keeper Josh Staniforth was having a solid game, collecting a few early efforts comfortably, Sam Hamberger and Jankowskij were marshalling the defence superbly, restricting the Banditos to long range efforts, Buchanan and McIntyre linking well through the middle, and Wheatland lumbering around like a blind moose upfront.
This combination of effort and raw, raw talent was clearly too much for the Banditos, who were suffering from not being particularly physical (summed up by the whining, moaning little bitch wearing an England shirt) and also a general lack of talent. This kind of team play to the strengths of the Badgers, who can rip apart teams with little talent with ease. As such, the football being played by the Badgers was pleasing on the eye, with passes being completed at the astoundingly high rating of 27%. Finally, some great link up play by the midfield found Wheatland out on the left after 8 minutes. Wheatland cut inside the lumbering prick (in the England shirt), before changing direction again and firing an unstoppable shot into the bottom corner.
With the Badgers 1-0, the traditional "Let's let them get back into this! YEAH, THAT'LL BE FUN" mindset cast itself over the Badgers, and only the puma-like reflexes of Josh "Puma-like reflexes" Staniforth kept his team in the game, with an astounding double save worthy of an animal with good reflexes. Like a puma.
Buoyed by the confidence that this instilled, the Badgers struck again just moments later. Some harrying and pressure high up the pitch by Dan "New Guy" Buchanan profit from questionable defending (from the fat, England-shirt clad douche) and slot the ball home for his first goal in the Black and White of the Badgers.
The Badgers saw out the first half, with Wheatland and McMuffin both missing half chances. The defence while being solid and aggressive in equal parts (especially Jankowskij, who's brilliant hasstling and closing down was causing the Banditos much irritation, but was much appreciated by the Badgers), did concede a few half-chances to the Banditos. Each one was comfortably gathered by the indomitable Staniforth, who seemed to be inspired by some kind of jungle cat (puma?) styled God, for his reflexes were so puma-esque.
After a brief team talk, the Badgers resumed their dominant position on pitch, with some delightful moves (one involving the nut-megging of the Fat Bandito by Wheatland) being crafted by the artistic Badgers. It was a shame that none of these chances could be finished, with Wheatland, Downs, McCain'sovenchips and Buchanan all being guilty of sloppy finishing.
It was, then, lucky that the Banditos found Staniforth in such puma-inspired form. Many times he gathered up the danger posed by occasional Bandito attacks, making himself large to deny former Badger Ben Wilkins with only moments left on the clock. Puma.
The Badgers had clearly recaptured the form of last season, and in truth, the score could and should have been higher, such was the Badgers' dominance.
