This was the bitterest of defeats. Indeed this season has proved to be the most unlucky of all the Badgers' previous efforts, and this game epitomised that.
Still hurting after their 0-9 mauling from the week before, the Badgers were full of desire to prove themselves worthy of the famous black and white shirts. It was, in fact, a day where even the fans decided to show up to support the team, displaying the new found unity that the Badgers' enjoy. Despite this desire to get back to winning ways, the Badgers' squad was plagued by injury and absence. Cam Stuart was nowhere to be seen, although rumours that his new life as a film star was affecting his commitment to the Badgers were quashed by a dishevelled looking Wheatland. James MacAtamney was let down by the ever reliable Southern Rail service, whose trains were suspiciously delayed. According to insiders at the club, Ph.D Eindhoven representatives were seen handing large woven bags with doller signs on them to a shady looking Southern Rail worker. Southern were unavaliable for comment.
Artiom Jankowskij, Sam Hamberger and Tom Marshall were all absent through injury, leaving Manager Ben Wheatland very few options in both attack and defence. However, the core of the Badgers' squad arrived, with Pedro Badger in particular determined to make up for the shocking display last week. The emergency loan signings of Dan Buchanan, anex-Badger, and Wheatland's brother, Chris, meant that the Badgers were able to start the game with 6 men (with a sub), and the late arrival of Josh "RUNRUNRUNRUNRUN" Allwood pushed the match day squad up to an encouraging 8. In his pre-match press conference, Wheatland claimed that a win against the opposition today would be "better than sex with Madonna", although he conceeded that he would be happy with a hand-job from Susan Boyle as he wanted to keep his options open.
The pre-match team talk was a harsh one, with Wheatland coming down hard on his charges. He demanded extra effort, and a return to the Badgery footballing philosophy that the team had become known for. When George Tomlin pointed out that a 0-9 loss seemed to fit in very well with traditional Badger philosophy, Wheatland immediately dropped him from the starting line-up. Tomlin was, however, returned to the starting line-up when Wheatland realised that he was the only Badger present who actually played in defence.
The game started well, with the Badgers controlling the ball and dictating play. With Tomin and Buchanan anchoring defence, and with the inspirational Pedro Badger prowling the penalty box like a jaguar on E, the Badgers' defence looked strong. Alex Hill and Ben Himpe worked well in midfield, hassling opponents and linkning play well. And, as ever, blundering about upfront was Wheatland, playfully heading and kicking the ball in whatever way he saw fit. This mixture of strong defence, strong midfield and foolish attack seemed to be working, and it wasn't long before the Badger's created their first opening. Wheatland was played through by the ever-improving Hill, and his first time effort was hammered at goal, before being tipped onto the post by the keeper. This opened the floodgates, and within seconds, the keeper had tipped another effort by Wheatland over the bar. Buchanan, Himpe and Hill all had powerful efforts well saved, and only the speed with which the ball skimmed off of the wet pitch prevented both Hill and Wheatland being through on goal.
At the other end, Tomlin, Buchanan and Pedro Badger were marshalling the defence superbly. Simple balls played to Pedro from the defence meant a more measured approach to the Badgers' build up, and this was evident by the amount of time they spent on the ball, and the amount of passes they passed. Halfway through the half, Hill was replaced by Allwood, who immediately set about kicking Ph.D students about the pitch, putting his feet firmly in to challenges and laying his life on the line for the Badgery cause.
The game drifted to half time at 0-0, with the Badgers having had the lion's share of posession and by far the best chances. The team were buoyed by their own performances, and sensed that the day could be theirs, such was their dominance.
The second half started more evenly, with Ph.D Eindhoven getting a few long rang efforts in, although Pedro Badger was able to deal with these efforts comfortably. His performance was majestic, and he was all about his box with seemingly boundless amounts of energy. However, the Badgers' still had their chances, and they came thick and fast. One of these chances was made by Himpe, who, making a run down the right wing, squared the ball to Wheatland. He then side footed wide when it was easier to score, in typical Ben Wheatland fashion. Tomlin and Allwood both screamed profanities at Wheatland, and after the match they demanded that the Manager provide more attacking players for the Badgers' remaining games. Clearly flustered by his howler, Wheatland went one better by spurning by far the best chance of the game, spooning his effort over the bar in a wild display of incompetance, after a good cutback from Buchanan. At this point, Wheatland jr was brought on in defence to allow Buchanan a more advanced role. This paid off immediately, as Buchanan had two efforts saved in quick succession. The Ph.D keeper clearly had something about him, but suggestions that he was taking performance enhancing drugs were wide of the mark, as he later tested negative in a random drugs test. He was, however, stripped of all of his Tour de Football title wins from between 1999 and 2009, because he was definitely on drugs and ran the most sophisticated drugs ring of all time, despite the fact that no-one can definitively prove it. Banter.
Then, after all this pressure, something gave. A short period of pressure from Eindhoven left one of their attackers with a shooting opportunity. The shot was poor, and straight at Pedro Badger. But, at the last second, the slightest of slight defelctions off of Tomlin's heel diverted the ball into the back of the net. Tears were shed. Tomlin was inconsolable, but was still able to point out to Wheatland that he had, at least, scored (and that Ben was shit). The Badgers, like a wounded Yak, fought back. The noise was terrifying, as the battle cry rose from the Badgers' ranks, and from the Panteli Stand, which today housed a fan! The defence regained its steely determination, with Tomlin and Wheatland jr. battling long and hard to kick the Ph.D players. The frantic ending saw no less than 6 Badger efforts saved by the Eindhoven keeper. Himpe had two efforts saved, Buchanan had at least 3 chances snuffed out, and Wheatland (of course) could not find the back of the net.
The final whistle blew, and the most undeserved of losses was confirmed. Despite the result, the performance was exceptional, and only 2 wins from their final 4 games would see the Badgers through to the next round.
