A battle of epic proportions was promised in the build up to this match. The return of inspirational Captain Sam "hobble" Hamberger was announced on the eve of the game, and hopes around the Badgers' camp were sky high. Literally nothing could bring them down, such was the height of the high they were on. The University League officials promptly conducted a random drug test on the squad, which led to Tony Breslin being rushed to hospital. Club officials finally released a statement later that evening which read thusly:
"Reservoir Badgers FC are relived to announce that player/manager Tony Breslin did not fail his drug test. His unexpected trip to hospital was due to his uncontrollable smile, which had become infectious"
Relief once again buoyed The Badgers', and it seemed that nothing would stand in the way of their march to victory.
Early on the morning of the big game(s), Paddy Bolton, Charlie Carter, Bobby Radebe and Matt Clark all pulled out for personal reasons, leaving the squad numbering four. This setback didn't seem to affect the Holy-Management Trio, who immediately leapt into action in an attempt to get the game on, and not dissapoint the thousands of fan who had travelled on The Lemon Bus to get to the game. In swept the emergency-loan signings of Joe "Lad" Boswell, Tim "Lad" Sharp, Paul "Lad" Field, Aaron "Lad" Tony'sNeighbour and Josh "Joe's Friend" Surname. Boswell has long been a transfer target of 1/3 manager Ben Wheatland, and Wheatland was reportedly "happy" to have landed his target. 1/3 manager Tony Breslin was heard to mutter that the signing of Boswell was "just another attempt by Ben to replace Matt (Clark). Personally, I am sickened, we all know how much playing in goal means to Matt".
To the game!
The match kicked off in surprising fashion, with Badgers attacking at every opportunity. Early pressure from one of many Badgery attacks saw Paul Field swing his corner accross the box towards Wheatland. Stumbling in epic fashion, Wheatland wrong footed the opposition keeper. Camera replays suggested he in fact had wrong footed himself, and the Under Becca's Thumb (UBT) keeper only conceeded the goal because he was laughing so, so hard. Nevertheless, The Badgers had their first lead of the season. Cue collapse.
UBT launched immediately on the attack, despite pressure from the Badgers. This culminated in a corner, which was struck accross the box. Sam Hamberger heroically wandered in to the area to clear the ball (an illegal infringement) and promptly gave away a penalty, which the UBT striker slotted home.
Incensed by this epic fail, The Badgers charged forward, and from another Paul Field corner, won a penalty as a UBT defender copied Hamberger's earlier mishap by waltzing into the area to pathetically clear. Already on a high after his entirely intended goal earlier, Wheatland stepped up full of contradictions. Thoughts such as "Hit it left" and "Hit it right" went through Wheatland's head, and as he decided, he realised that he had already tapped the ball lamely into the UBT keeper's hands. As The Badgers charged back to defend against a UBT break away, 1/3 manager Josh Staniforth gave Wheatland a comforting team talk with the back of his hand. To the face.
In an effort to break records, The Badgers' rapidly conceeded another penalty, Tony Breslin this time at fault, as he bounded into the box, ears flapping in the wind as he chased the bouncy round thing that so eluded him. This time his connection was perfect, and he looked overjoyed with himself, while all around were mystified at his positional sense. Josh Staniforth again took charge of discipline, telling Tony to sit, but then not giving him the treat that Breslin so desperately wanted. As UBT scored, Captain Sam Hamberger went to console Breslin by scratching him behind the ear. Tony still sat loyally where he had been told to, waiting for Staniforth to tell him to "Come boy, come!".
The match rapidly fell away from The Badgers, despite Joe Boswell's best efforts, with the stand-in keeper making some cracking saves, and even at one point claiming that he was "enjoying" himself. This caught the rest of the team by surprise, and during the confusion they conceeded another 4 goals. Tim Sharp, Aaron Tony'sNeighbour, and Josh Surname were all very impressive, with Sharp in particular excelling in the role vacated by Joe Panteli at the beginning of the season.
Despite this, the game finished 6(or maybe 7) - 1. Unlike the week before, demoralised was far from how The Badgers felt, as a sense of giddy and deluded optimism had taken over the squad. Rumours are unconfirmed as to whether 1/3 manager Staniforth had slipped anti-Rabies pills into the team's drinks at half-time, but whatever it was, it was awesome...
The Badger's regrouped ready for their second game, full of intent...
