Home league match played on 18 October 2009.
Kicked off at 12:00 AM

A capacity crowd of 31,753 packed into Micklefield on Sunday and witnessed a real ding dong of a match as The Veterans of Yeadon rolled into town to grab a point and put a dent into Yorkshire Rose’s title aspirations. For a long time it looked like they would leave with all 3 points but a spirited comeback saw the home team get level and only an inspired performance by the opposition goalkeeper prevented another victory.

There were a few changes for the home team as Smex was donning his uniform at a World War I parade and seeing some old comrades. Phil Rhodes appeared from his Right Said Fred harem to take his place on the bench. Dicky Machell had flown his own Jet2 plane into Yeadon International fresh that morning as he hurried back from the Stephen Gateley funeral. He was back left on the coffin run next to Keith Duffy. PC Darren Machell had also interrupted a 34 mile car chase across Yorkshire to play. Apparently Tasmin Archer had stolen a microwave from Comet and our local bobby had finally managed to catch her and get to the game in time as well. He had to leave Tasmin cuffed in the van though and guarded by Jimmy Laughey’s wolf.

Neil Guy had also returned to the fold after a quiet night dancing with glow sticks to the relentless beat of some Acid Trance in Leeds.

The Gaffer had barely taken a drag of his first cigarette and Jimmy uttered his first f word when Rose took the lead. A nice move down the right saw PC Machell pull the ball back to Don’t Love Me For Fun Girl, Let Me Be The One Girl, Love Me For A Reason, Let The Reason Be Love Machell who angled the ball home. It looked like Rose would get more as they piled forward and Yeadon couldn’t get out of their own half. However, the home team were rocked when a long ball over the top caught Scott in two minds. Changing his mind to retreat back to his goal he slipped on a Mario Kart banana and the Yeadon forward finished well at the near post. 

The home side were speechless 15 minutes later when another long ball over the top was not given offside and the burly centre forward hit an impressive volley into the net.

Laughey’s Swearometer was on overdrive. The Gaffer’s cigarette packet dial was on empty.  A bead of sweat appeared on the unruffable Scatch’s forehead. The Micklefield Kop was silenced. Even Arran momentarily forgot worrying about the balls being launched into neighbouring gardens to concentrate on getting back into the game.

The final ball was letting the home team down and a half time teamtalk from The Gaffer was required. Producing a projector and a powerpoint presentation from the kit bag he made a speech which will make Motovational Speakers across the world raise their game. He said, “My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father of a ten emails a day clown and a toe bunging son. I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next” Until then the team just thought he was called David Sutton and they stood there in awe as he  fought off tigers and Roman soldiers whilst at the same time riding on a chariot trying to explain the offside trap to his team via Powerpoint.

The team ran back out suitably invigorated and promptly gave away a third goal when a long throw was not dealt with and Yeadon scored again. It looked bleak for the home team.

JT had replaced Andy Davey and Buttons moved to the left. The change seemed to work as Rose got on top of the visitors and really started applying some pressure. Tatts had gone close when he rounded the keeper only to see his shot bounce off the post but it only delayed the inevitable. More sustained pressure saw the ball come loose to Jimmy who angled a volley into the top corner to reduce the deficit. The wolf howled in admiration from PC Machell’s Police Van.

2-3 became 3-3 moments later as a long ball over the top caught The Vets square. Tatts raced through and showing a coolness that evaded him when some pouting vixen asked him if he wanted a dance at The Red Leopard the previous Friday slotted home to level the score.

It was all one way traffic now. Tony Gilks had been doing a manful job at the back for The Vets but his knee brace which was making Ste McD green with envy was starting to buckle under the pressure. Buttons, possibly deliberately, smashed one over the bar into the garden behind. The lady there had bought a tidy combo from La Senza the previous day for Button’s weekly visit to “ the ball” so was disappointed to see Davlin appear through the fence. It was like expecting Brad Pitt ( OK, slight exaggeration, maybe Tyrone from Corrie ) and getting Jonny Vegas.  It’s Only Words, And Words Are All I Have, To Take Your Heart Away Machell hit a scorching freekick that was clawed away by the keeper and then saw another snapshot somehow held from 6 yards.

The pressure was relentless but time was not on Rose’s side. Corner after corner came and went but the winner never came and the home team’s winning streak came to an end. It was hard to begrudge the visitors a share of the spoils as they had defended well and taken their chances when they came. They should start climbing the table on that performance. As for Rose they travel to Otley Town next week looking for another giant killing in the Cup.

After the game Jimmy was reliving his YTS days as he swept the changing room to a spotless sheen making him second only to Hong Kong Phooey in the world’s best caretaker stakes. A big shout to Andy Davey as well who managed to barter down his subs from about fifty quid to a fiver with Kris after the match. His technique? He pretended he was Scatch. He’d make a good lawyer.

Tasmin Archer should give him a ring.


Other News


Fire, Fire, Fire, Fire, Pour On Water, Pour On Water - The hunt for the Club Shop Arsonist continues. PC Darren Machell has set up his Headquarters at KFC, Guiseley and commented to the local press, “Does a Zinger Tower have cheese in it? It does? No good. I’ll have the 3 Piece Family Meal instead. I have found a cigarette stub at the scene and this is the cornerstone of my enquiry. I have arrested a local woman who has a history of local crime and had a Number 1 in the 90’s. I think she did it”


Charity Case – The Gaffer is quitting smoking to raise money for Children In Need. On questioned why is he taking such a drastic step he muttered evasively as he drove away from the still smouldering club shop, “I just am.Got it?” PC Darren Machell has already donated 100 pounds sterling.


What a Jaffa – Del Monte who provide our half time oranges ( or full time if the Gaffer forgets ) have been invited to our next home game as a thank you for their generous support. Ste McD called them last week with the invitation. The man from Del Monte. He said, “Can’t make it bruvver”


Get Over It – Dicky Machell has offered to do some copies, for anyone interested, of the  Boyzone back catalogue in light of the recent sad news. “As a mark of respect like. I’ve got some Roxette as well” he proudly announced.


Here Again?  – Congratulations to Log who won the Headmasters Barbers Division 2 Supporter of the Year. He was presented with a voucher for Free Haircuts at Headmasters Barbers “for the rest of his life” announced League Chairman and part time barber Derek Perm. “I could do so much with that hair” cooed Derek.


You Want Some? – Otley Town Far Right Activists and Hooligans known as “Wrecking Crew” have contacted us to say if any supporters ( or players ) are looking for a ruck to meet them at the local garden centre. In the trowel aisle. They will be there at 10.30am sharp.

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