I didn’t witness the traumatic opening exchanges of this thrilling encounter, so I’ve edited Rowan, Taylor, Spencer and Crozier’s accounts together into the first paragraph…
In the opening 10 minutes against Werder Beermen, Olympique LMB appeared to step into the realms of another dimension whilst going backwards and forwards in time simultaneously. It was horrible. Most people there will be unable to give their account of what they witnessed as they are certain to find it far too traumatic to recount, but the records will show that LMB conceded 5 goals in the first five minutes, and a further 3 in the next five as the Beermen ran riot and Griff exhibited a general reluctance to dive as the shots rained down, with one goal creeping in through the side-netting (but was still given by the ‘animated’ referee). Under almost no pressure, Neil backheeled straight across the goalmouth and Ben managed to toe it past Griff for the best/worst own goal of all time. In addition, Rob’s slimline attire, described as “a PE kit”, meant that the opposition and his own team-mates wouldn’t take him seriously or, at times, couldn’t see him side-on.
With Patto and our new “Token Female Super Fan” Lisa arriving pitchside to oversee proceedings with the shrieking Rowan and sheepskin-clad Toobs, Boots finally mustered the energy to score as Crozier slotted away a squared ball. The half eventually ended 9-2 when Crozier produced a delicate chip over the keeper from Peterson’s cut-back to give LMB the smallest glimmer of hope.
As the opposition tired and made mistakes, the referee lost control of his mathematical skills and added on (what seemed like) an additional hour, and Boots, invigorated by half-time Corn Flake Cakes, began to grow in confidence, as the goal difference began to slowly close. Sweets, Neil, Spence, Sam (2) and Kieran (3) all added to the scoreline to make it 12-10 with 5 minutes remaining, while Beermen were slowly worn down by the LMB movement, fingertip saves from the ever-improving Griffles and the constant banter from the sidelines that was taken a little too seriously. Goals of note included a wonderful assist from Spence off the side-wall that split the Beermen defence and presented Neil with a tap-in, a quality solo goal from Sicky Sicky Sam Sam that ended with a left-footed toe-punt, while Kieran’s putter was used to great affect as he wriggled through on goal. LMB also had three penalties throughout the half – if Carlsberg made terrible penalties, then they would be hard-pressed to create a spot-kick as shocking as the one Marmite scythed wide, while Spencer’s penalty was saved by the keeper’s legs and then the crossbar. At 12-10, the third penalty was won when Beermen’s keeper came racing out of his area and sliced down Sweetman with both feet raised. Crozier stepped up and finally dispatched a penalty (while the keeper was sent off for dissent). With the victory in sight and a tired opposition now down to 4, LMB had chance after chance to draw level, with Peterson and Sweetman both seeing golden chances saved or missed, before Crozier levelled and then claimed the win (and the Man of the Match award) with two cool finishes past the floundering reserve keeper.
Other incidents of note: Griffin was accused or saving a shot out of his area, so he picked up the ball and lobbed it (over-arm) at the accusing player while yelling "Learn the rules!!!!!" - the referee played on from this and LMB scored. Also, after conceding the third penalty, their keeper picked up the ball and kicked it at least 3 pitches away - he was promptly yellow-carded (but had walked off the pitch in protest already!) Fun times...
