Oxhill Central v The Barn (Jack Grigg Cup 1st round)
Little Luke is back
After what feels like weeks without a game, we were finally in action against The Barn in the 1st round of our defence of the Jacky Grigg Cup. Singe is on match report duty as Cat Meat is still shopping for Christmas Fairy lights on what was a bitterly cold morning. Sensible Cap Josh told us all about his night out with Katrina from East Stanley Garage and how she filled him up with unleaded petroleum and we then got the shock of our lives when Little Luke, Bonzo Brown and Andy Clark the 80’s pop star turned up for a game. Luke said he’s back and raring to pull some classic pranks and Andy Clark and his milky white complexion proclaimed that his hangover is totally cured now. Bonzo looked relatively fresh then we found out he had kept himself right by going out with his mother to bingo last night. Veteran Gav was the next to turn up and for some reason his new puffa jacket and his right boot (the none scoring one) were both covered in grey gloss paint. He was also wearing a ’snood’ the grey paint was wet and there was no explanation where it had come from. Random and bizarre but it wouldn’t be Gav without some sort of mental drama. And then to make it a quadruple of returning absentees Super Scotty Johnson arrived (yes, he was late but who cares) and is apparently totally free of jet-lag (still no word from the other long term jet-lag sufferer Sheep). The only no-show of note was Joe Gill is brill who we found out wasn’t playing today from one of our opponents. How he knew and none of us did was a mystery. And personally, I think his roofing side kick Bott knows more about this absence than he was letting on. Veteran Gav was named as our captain for the day for the first time in his 4700th game for The Arch. Shame we actually didn’t have a captain’s armband to give him to mark the occasion. There was a bit of a kit clash with our red and black home strip and The Barns maroon kit and the low sun, but we got on with the game. Sensible Cap Josh hockled on Ex-Manager Jeff and The Mad Monk wore a woolly hat. Liam Jägermeister won a header and rolled up the right arm on his football shirt to show of his tattoo. We all laughed when we found out the reason why Elvis was wearing short on this cold morning was because he left all his 501 jeans in his hotel when he was in Vegas the other week. Duffy 1 then turned up with a pocket full of police rated retaining screws for a Yale double barrel double glazing door lock. Duffy 2 didn’t bring anything. Make up your mind as to which one of the Duff’s is the best! Liam Jägermeister amazingly won another header and the shirt sleeve crept a little bit higher up his muscly tattooed arm. His Daddy Pee then showed of his brand-new suede ‘Punk’ shoes as we filled his hood up with the wrappers from a packet of Starburst chews. Unbelievably Liam Jägermeister won his 3rd ever header and the arm on his massively muscly tattooed shirt was hitched all the way up to his arm pit. Liam then missed a one on one with there keeper and the sleeve was pulled straight back down over his hand. Liam also said that we should ask Google to see if one of his passes could be given as an assist for a goal. And they were plenty of goals as we went in at half time 5.0 up. Little Luke did a Cruyff Turn and skinned an opponent and Bonzo Brown said ‘I like that’ Crabstick Coxy nutmegged an opponent and their keeper walked off in a huff when the score got to 9.0. The Barn lads to be fair battled on and the game finished Arch 10 Barn 1. Our goals coming from Gav, Kei 3, Bott, Dangerous Davies, Super Scotty Johnson, Little Luke 2 and Bezz. Kei has booked in 16 intensive training session with KG Coaching for Singe – shooting practice, Bezz – distribution, Sensible Cap Josh – first touch and Bonzo Brown – anger management. Personally, I thought Little Luke was fucking fantastic today and it was class to see him back playing and back pulling classic pranks in the changing room.