"The Ship Get Their Mums Sucked Off By Foaming Ferndale"
The first half began with the now traditional Ship two-goal lead gift and The Ship cut a pathetic and weak figure, clearly intimidated by their 'blapping', entourage-heavy opposition. After a superb performance the previous week, everything Charman touched ended up being toe-poked into outer-space; the normally solid centre-back partnership of Digger and Cookie found themselves tackling each other on the left-wing; the wingers got over-run; Lammy found himself unable to pass water let alone a football and Steve-o struggled to get in the game after weeks out injured while his strike-partner Hurrey offered no help what-so-ever. A Rob Smith half-time rocket which included the gem "Shut up Charman, you've been the worst of all" finally focused The Ship and they kicked off under the assumption that they could get back into the game if they could be bothered. However, a promising start was ruined when a hopeful punt left the defence flat-footed and Ferndale ran through unchallenged to get a third. The expected fightback was finally set to start when Hurrey nodded in from a goal-mouth scramble but the truth was it was too-little-too-late. The icing on the cake came when a strongly-hit backpass handed Adam Hurrey a Paul Robinson moment and the ball cruelly bobbled over his swinging foot and into the goal. The heat of the match turned up a notch and Colesy got booked while another glimmer of hope appeared as a mouthy, shorts-round-his-ankles Blapper saw red for abusing the ref. The Ship pressed hard for more goals and chances came and went with Ross and Lammy having shots blocked and screwed wide. Adam Hurrey did well in attempting to atone for his error with a string of superb one-on-one stops. At the other end, Ollie Hurrey hit the post with another header before finding himself unmarked at the back-post from a corner to score yet another header, but the match was over. Despite the win, The Ship were greeted to the amusing (if rather bizarre) sight of a Ferndale player foaming at the mouth, screaming at his team-mate about his inability to mark Hurrey at the corner with incoherent shouts that included the now classic "I'll suck your Mum off, blud!". Stunned but also amused by the defeat and this scene, more humour took the edge off the defeat as a clearly apoplectic Adam Hurrey attempted to march purposefully out of the changing room and away from the debacle - but found the door firmly wedged shut. A frustrated cry of "Let me out!" and a slammed dressing-room door left his team-mates drowning their sorrows in the pub and wondering whether to have him put on suicide-watch.
Things got worse as The Ship found themselves relegated to the pub back-room with their succulent burger treats reduced to a half-hearted plate of cheesy chips (although admittedly, a random couple of bowls of cauliflower cheese raised spirits immeasurably). The hope is that The Ship have finally learnt their lesson.
Charman takes solace in his performance at home with his new friend
