Goal Fest at Theatre of Moles
The Ayton Alligators put on a much improved display yet came away with no treasure from the Heslerton Hedgehogs Lair; The Theatre of Moles.
A spirited, and for the first time this season - Team Performance saw more goals scored and fantastic goal getting opportunities fall to the Alligators.
New signing and another 17 year old Greg Dixon (See right) slotted in at right wing offence, Hick made his first start of the season in the engine room and Mr Nice Clobber Rob Ward made only his second start of the campaign.
Jose Pluminho received the call midweek after top local scout Seymour Butts unearthed a gem at his local “come play with me” soccer schools. Pluminho said “As soon as I saw the video of this young boy strutting his stuff I knew he was the one for me. He can go inside and out and looks very athletic and strong. He is exactly what I am looking for to bolster our ranks; in fact I love the young emerging talent we are working with, although Temple not quite so much!” Pluminho also added to our touchline reporter Gail Hailstorm “We are always on the look out for young boys, obviously not too old, the younger the better but we do have a strict 16-18yr old signing on policy, we like them raw to unlock their tekkers early”.
After a poor display of organisation from the Hedgehogs the Gators took to the battlefield without their recent pre match no tiggy butchers warm up game. Mike Grayshan said “We just love the fun games to pump us up pre match, we still haven’t found Craig Temple from the hide and seek drill during the Scalby Res game mid September, he’s such a little tinker and it’s obvious he’s got a great hidey hole, the boys like Sadaam!”.
The opening exchanges proved tricky for Ayton as they struggled to get to grips with the Heslerton formation of 3 in the middle and big man up top combo, as seen in Katie Price’s latest Adult Film “Quad Squirts”. After a few minutes, and fantastic defensive organisation by Dave Lovell and the boys - Hick and Plumpton began to take the battle to Heslerton. The team duly responded as Dixon led the charge down the right.
The first real chance came after some quite fabbydabbydozy soccer from Ayton and Dixon found himself unleashing a sonic boom of a strike from the right wing. A decent effort that was well saved by Marsh in the Hedgehogs net after 8 minutes. Ayton looked confident as they nipped the ball around the park like a slightly less talented Arsenal team, as a few nearly moments came and went for the Gator’s. It was looking all so good when suddenly….Meanwhile in the Bat-Cave…..
Phil Holden looked to control a stray clearance on half way only to see his baby rhino of a touch race further than Dave Lovell from a crime scene. Heslerton took charge of the loose ball and fed in Drydale who finished with aplomb. A hint of offside but top whistle blower Ivan Ash was having none of it saying “No Blow = No go, don’t try play me bitch ass ho!” as Ayton appealed to no avail.
The Gator’s were rocked as once again another individual error cost them dearly. As Pluminho scattered his magic dust around the Gator’s Penno box, as collected mid week from Mystic Meg in an attempt to rid the curse of the “Sh*t mistake”- Heslerton struck again. Former Aytonian Andrew Horncastle danced through 2 challenges unopposed in his own half and sailed a raking ball behind the Gator’s lines. Once again the finish was clinical and Ayton were two down, would this be another pack of cards performance? Not on your nelly it wouldn’t!
The boys rallied round, Lovell chest pumping at left back, Graysocks pulled up his socks, Ascough ran to the sidelines to quickly bench press a nearby car and Hick performed his own version of the Haka to the beat of Spice girls hit – Spice up your Life - The boys were up for it!
Wallace and R.Ward were proving to be like page 3 models, more than a handful up top as they drove forward at every opportunity. Finally on 37 minutes they were rewarded as Hick flashed forward a Hickregas through ball to Ward, he out fought two defenders and the Hedgehogs keeper with his Hulk Hogan like strength and managed to poke the ball in to the sack to half the deficit.
The game open as both teams pushed forward, Drydale frustrating his team mates as he reached a new club record of 45 offsides in the first half alone!
Half time
Heslerton Hedgehogs 2 v 1 Ayton Alligators
The Gator’s kept the same team as they believed they were on to something. Pluminho gave out minimal instructions as the lads themselves believed in one another. The team bonding at half time was incredible as Tyler had to be removed from Dave Lovells back as he attempted to scuttle him during the allotted 10 minutes drink period. He had gone too far.
The whole team passed the ball like in no other previous performance as midfield maestro Hick found Tyler on the left. Tyler cut inside his full back and unleashed a world ending drive from full 36.4 yards, straight in to the goal tenders right corner to level the scores and give Tyler a tent in pants moment that would surely last until quiet time when he got home!
The Aytonians sensed blood as Heslerton just failed to live with the lively Wallace who was running the show with the top draw service he was receiving. Wallace was like a different person from the pre 18 youth of the week before, he was now a man, chest hair, stubble and a full set of pubes, his midweek birthday had created a footballing monster!
Alex Glass was also excelling in the Gators net in his unusual goal tending attire of an orange bib. Glass had gone all Diva on his reserve friends, refusing to wear their “lowly kit” and provided his own. The one time performing goal tender had hit the big time recently playing for the Bluebirds and his demands were plain to see before, and during the game. A close friend said “Glass turned up chauffeur driven in a bullet proof blacked out - white Robin Reliant, there was no way he was stepping on to the dirty team bus with the peasants of the side”.
On 64 minutes Glass dropped the bomb with an 80 yard punt up field. Rob Ward battled hard and Wallace picked up the scraps 20 yards from the Hedgehogs sack. Wallace let fly with minimal back lift as his shot zoomed in to the far left corner like a Taliban rocket propelled grenade. Wallace went crazy, his team mates went crazy and Jon Hick was seen sprinting down the touchline swinging his shirt around his head Barry Fry style, this was unchartered territory for the Gatorade sponsored team, could they hang on??
The next goal was crucial and unfortunately once again the curse of bad defending struck home like a dagger to the heart. A free kick was conceded 20 yards out to the right of Glass’s white sticks. Horncastle took 4 steps back and just as he was about to strike Dave Lovell saw 20p glistening on the grass in front of him. Over he ran over to pick it up as he planned to buy two’s on a fag down the shops only to see Horncastle’s free kick fly straight through the gap he had vacated and in to the net to level the scores again!
(Inspirational figure of Horncastle)
Heslerton rallied as Horncastle sent out the war cry to his boys as they sensed victory. Jamie Tyler – who had impressed until now was dispossessed easily with his team mates out of position. Heslerton broke at speed as they played a ball through for the gangly Ellis to chase. He got there before Ginger Mits himself Alex Glass and won the game with a sublime lob 8 minutes from time. Drydale also made sure with a fifth as again the offide rule looked to have been breached!
A much improved and quite frankly tremendous effort from the Ayton lads as they came away very unlucky not to pick up a point at least.
The John Hick Man of the Match Award, as sponsored by Brothers Strawberry Cider gave the gong to Hot Shot Wallace for a Carlos Tevez like display up top.
