Away cup match played on 16 October 2016.
Kicked off at 10:30 AM

After the huge disappointment regarding the Ryton fiasco last week, Heddon got back to winning ways with a demolition job on Stamfordham in the cup; scoring thirteen goals, with Dan Walker getting six of them.

Due to the need to cover fourteen goals, there is no way I’m writing a normal report as I’d be here until Christmas!

1-0: Murtagh’s cross from the right found Walker unmarked at the far post to head past the keeper.

2-0: Ross received the ball on the right hand side of the box, cutting inside to expertly curl the ball into the top left corner – a la Ryton last season!

3-0: Joe Slade picked the ball up from halfway and was given the freedom of the Stamfordham half to run 20 yards before smashing home from long range past the motionless keeper. Tom Apedaile was even happier than the goalscorer as evidenced by some exuberant celebrations!

4-0: A throughball from Elliot looked to have been dealt with by the goalkeeper, however Walker slid in to dispossess him and shoot into the unguarded net.

5-0: Straight from the kick off, Heddon won the ball back. Again Elliott played in Walker, who calmly curled the ball past the keeper into the far right corner.

6-0: Walker found Will on the left side of the box and he drilled it in off the inside of the far post.

7-0: The ball broke to Walker inside of the box and he set himself before placing the ball into the corner, with his left foot (perfect hat trick)!

Half time

8-0: Answers on a postcard, Walker scored but can’t remember anything about this goal!

9-0: Walker was somehow given two opportunities to head the ball down after Ross had played him in over the top. The keeper then face planted the ground when running out, allowing Dan to fire in from close range.

10-0: Neil scored his first goal for the club with a thumping header from an outswinging corner from Elliot.

11-0: Own goal from the Stamfordham half as he headed in Neil’s cross. He nearly repeated this a minute later!

12-0: Walker played the ball into Will, who looked set to grab his second, before he unselfishly teed up an onrushing Joe Slade to get his brace.

12-1: Scoob lunged in to prevent the opposition player from shooting, however got the man before the ball. Dave was close to saving the penalty, however it squeezed into the bottom right corner.

13-1: Some excellent team play down the right, led to Will being released. Appearing as though he was going to square the ball to Walker, he wrongfooted the keeper and lashed it past him at this near post. The referee then blew 20 minutes early for full time as the heavens opened.

Other points of note:

- Left back/chronic alcoholic Jamie Lishman somehow having a 100% passing success rate after 30 minutes, despite being worse for wear from the drink (again!).

- Murtagh winning the clearance of the season award, heading over from less than a yard, just as Woody’s cross appeared to be going straight in.

- Dan Walker having the “greatest goal he’s ever scored”, disallowed due to a questionable offside decision. This led to a tirade of filth from Tom Apedaile to the linesman. It’s time the lad realises that although this type of language might well be tolerated by the yobbos in Stamfordham, it isn’t at our club!

- The bespectacled right winger for Stamfordham breaking out his Will from the Inbetweeners routine after he had his specs knocked off as he and his team mate collided in an aerial challenge. The resulting fumble around for them only halted by Bradley Towart-Adams picking them up for him - “I’ve lost my glasses!”

Next up is a much harder test against Bardon Mill, who have started the season well. With key players missing, and the Howard Wilkinson/Steve Cotterillesque combination of Edmondson/Ballantyne taking charge, we will need to be on our game to come away with a positive result.

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