Tantobie Oak Tree Vs Oxhill Central FC (League) Offside! This week we were away in the league to Tantobie Oak Tree. The early November weather was in full flow with a weekend consisting of rain putting the game in doubt. Donnelly the South Moor Messi Carried out an early morning pitch inspection and said “dispute the torrential rain the game was ON” Crabstick Cox said it was perfect weather for football. The best news of the week was that Sheep and Gateshead Scott from Ouston have finally found each other and have both made it back home safely, however they’re both suffering from Jet-lag so we’re still unavailable to play. There were plenty others unavailable too as Bonzo Brown and Fisher were up to their old tricks of Saturday Night Fever and Gateshead Dan from Dipton was unavailable after he was staring in 50 shades of Dipton with his topless photos and kinky underwear. Clarkey the 80s pop star declared his return through the week but fell off the bandwagon at the last minute and alcohol for the better of him AGAIN!! Down at the pitch the Oak Tree team put up the goals and a load of stolen scaffold fences to stop the balls going into Tanfield woods while Big Ben Harvey forked the pitch to help drain off the weekends rains. Singe who returned to the squad this week, found that he had mould growing from his boots and stuffed socks down his shorts to make his manhood look better for Liam Jägermiester, this made PeeDog jealous. Veteran Gav was sporting at pair of grandad style strippy boxer shorts to match his grandad looking legs, yesterday he got ID’d at the shop for beer by the blind red shop owner. Pigeon Bez told us all how he used to baby sit Liam Jägermiester when he was a baby, apparently he would stroke him like he was pigeon and taught him how to Make pigeon noises. Little Luke and Broccoli Head Matty has a competition to see who could turn up latest, Matty won showing up at 10:29. The Arch were still in Halloween spirits as PeeDog died his trainers green for Halloween, Veteran Gav wore his skull balaclava and Little Luke still had his white face paint on which he wore when he joined the Cauliflower Twins Trick or Treating. The game kicked off and we raced into an early lead with a goal from the in form Kei. The Oak tree replied scoring direct from a corner before Veteran Gav finished well with his right to put us 2-1 going into half time. Duffy2 almost got filled in by Big Ben Harvey but luckily they both know all The Arch lads, Kies kids from KG coaching came to support him but actually shouted abuse at him all game and The Monk was scared to go into Tanfield woods to collect a stray football. The second half kicked off with CatMeat still eating his halftime snack of a worm and the pitch beginning to look like a paddy field. The game stayed poised at 2-1 for a while with some brave goalkeeping from The Monk keeping us in the lead. Manager Pounder got mad and through his flag at Bin Ben Harvey’s dad, Joe Gill is Brill kicked the ball into the cricket ground and Dangerous Davies said he must be invisible because no one will pass to him. Eventually we made it 3-1 with another goal from Kei. Another 2 quid fire goals, 1 from Dangerous Davies and Kei completing his hat trick seen the game finish 5-1 and The Oak Tree beating the record for the number of times “offside” can be shouted in 90 minutes. Back at The Arch, Pigeon Bez told us he has a haircut every time his pigeons shred their feathers, Chewy Chancers came to The Arch for a game of table tennis and went looking for the ping pong table in Livers apartment and Shola the Engine won the meat draw. Duffy1 couldn’t come to The Arch because he had to feed his hamster. All the above stories are true. #UTA
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