Oxhill Central v Tantobie Oak Tree (Harkness Trophy semi-final second leg) A Dirty Semi By Singe and Cat Meat Last weeks game against Winlaton Queens Head got called off due to a frosty pitch so the lads went for a breakfast date to McDonalds instead. Singe beat Liam Jägermeister at noughts and crosses, Pee made a new friend with a builder, Cat Meat licked a window and Elvis discovered how to obtain free muffins. So to start the morning off this week Elvis was back in McDonalds for more free stuff, and he was proper excited as well. The Arch were away to Tantobie Oak Tree in the 2nd leg of the semi final and 6.2 up from the first leg. Due to Tantobie been quite local, everyone would just meet at the pitch rather than The Arch, everyone except Clarkey the 80s pop star who rang at 9.55 asking why no one was at the carpark. 10am came and we still hadn’t cobbled together 11 players, Sheep was late after his wild Saturday night with Gateshead Dan from Dipton, Liam Jagermiester was late because he had to rub moisturiser into his tattoos and Veteran Gav was late because he couldn’t find his cats of Cyprus T-shirt. The lads who were on time did get a treat, as Joe Gill is brill shared out his soggy Haribo strawberry’s from his van, 2 people who were on time but didn’t get involved in this were PeeDog and Elvis, who were sharing a secret “vehicle black box” so PeeDog can record dogs when he’s Dogging. The squad was still quite thread bare with no shows from Bonzo Brown, Donnelly the South Moor Messi and Fisher whole Crabstick Cox and Little Luke still carries injuries and new signing Jessie was cup tied. Apparently Crabstick Cox has been spotted at ‘The Shed team meeting’. Apparently our nearest and dearest rivals are thinking of starting a team back up again for next season and joining the Durham League. Dangerous Davies said he put a bet on at Ladbrokes that The Arch would win 4.1 today with goals coming from one from himself, one from Kei and two from veteran Gav. He then proved how dangerous he was by taking the worlds smelliest dump ever in the changing room and making at least 3 of his teammates sick with the stench. Cat Meat was clearly still drunk and told everyone 9 times about his night fighting old men in The Arch over a bar stool, he then tried to pinch a tray of muffins from an old woman and when Broccoli head Matty asked him how the Ox was he replied with “good mate, you?”. It started to rain, and it got very cold, so PeeDog hid in Ex manager Jeff’s car because they are soft. Thankfully the Duffy brothers turned up to watch us and it’s the first time that they have been seen together since August. During the game The Oak Trees hard man Ben Harvey, kicked everyone twice, got booked shouted offside 19 times threatened to kill The Monk and Kei and then had the audacity to call Singe dirty for a foul in the box. Singe and veteran Gav played most of the 2nd half up front together and have a combined age of 80. Gav played with his willy a lot and the final score was Oak Tree 1 Oxhill 4 with goals from Jon, Kei and Gav 2. Jon then collected his £14,000 winnings from Ladbrokes. Singe didn’t go back to The Arch as he went to Asda to get measured up for his George Cup Final suit, Joe Gill is brill dint go back to The Arch either but somehow still managed to win the meat draw. This is the first ever combined match report from Singe and Cat Meat the reason it’s combined as both where playing football instead of writing stuff. The reason why both where playing is because we only had 12 players who could be bothered to turn up for a cup semi final which is actually a shocking state of affairs. Next week we have no game so Dangerous Davies is going to arrange for the lads to have a breakfast and some pints, he said if you don’t hear from him you aren’t invited. #UTA Some of the above are true made up stories (all the above stories are true)
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