*This game was dedicated to Sam Hamberger's FM09 game, which passed away in the night before the game*
History, it is often said, is written by the winners.
If this was the case, there would be no history of Reservoir Badgers FC.
Until now.
For, on November 17th, 2011, the Reservoir Badgers were once again, the winners.
The Badgers, let me make this plain, had not won three games in a row. Ever. Now they have.
Here is history, as it unfolded. To be reading this is similar to be reading an original copy of the Magna Carta, or looking at that photo of the Tennis Girl for the first time. Read on, if you dare...
A chilly breeze circled around the Badger Set. The weak autumnal sun bathed the pitch in a glorious golden light. It was clearly a day on which men would be made of boys. Despite the recent impressive form of the Badgers, not a single fan attended the game. This didn't dishearten the Badgers players, who knew that the pressure of the situation was too much even for the Badgers' faithful to take. A win today, coupled with an unlikely series of results, could put Badgers top of the league. The league, incidentally, made for pleasant reading for Badgers everywhere, sitting joint second and with a healthy goal difference of " 1". Things have rarely been better.
A few notable absences from the game gave the Holy Management Trio a selection headache, and a tactical problem. With Will Downs and Tony Breslin both unable to attend due to academic scheduling howlers, and Cameron Stuart swanning off on a celebratory holiday to the Maldives, the squad was looking thin. This was compounded when it was announced that Joe Panteli had dropped out of the squad because of. Luckily, James MuckyTummy was able to make his first appearance since signing permanently, so the Badgers had a team of 7 players to choose from.
Sam Hamberger had to be physically slapped to persuade him to revert to his favoured centreback role, as regular (and much loved) custodian Matt Clark returned between the sticks, giving Ben Wheatland the chance to revert to his stiker role. There was clearly a friendly rivalry growing between McFlappyTadger and Clark before kick off, with McAllister claiming that Clark would only get a "5.6 on the website". Clark responed by.
All fired up for the game, after a rousing speech from Josh "GARRRRRRRRR" Staniforth, the Badgers broke from their now famous "huddle" and turned to face their opponents.
Who numbered 4.
Artem Jankovskij fell to his knees, crying "WHYYYYYYYYYY?! WHY THEY NEVER HAVE 6 PLAYERS?". After a hefty slap from McAllyoulotbetterbeasgoodasme, and a "chin up" style speech from Wheatland, Jankovskij was persuaded not to go home on principle. This proved to be a master stroke in management terms by Wheatland, as Jankovskij later (maybe) went on to (possibly) score the Badgers' (alleged) 8th goal.
The opposing team captain tried a sneaky tactic, which involved a rock, some paper and some scissors, but the Holy Management Triumvirate saw through his pesky dealings and the game commenced. The Badgers immediately took control, with smooth passing around what was clealy a talented trio, and one cunt. The slick play that has become a feature of the Badgers this season was on display once again, as they put SussexSport (The SS) on the proverbial carousel. On 2 minutes, a great ball from Hamberger (who could simply not accept his role as centreback) was threaded through to Wheatland's feet, who calmly converted his effort past the onrushing SS member. Wheatland was rightly subdued with his celebration, and the team pointed to the air in tribute for Hamberger's FM09 game (more on that later).
Only 2 minutes later, a literally identical move resulted in the Badgers' second goal, Hamberger again slotting the ball through for Wheatland to tuck away, and again Wheatland celebrated in a muted fashion. The Badgers seemed to take their foot off the pedal though, and the SS, in typical SS fashion (highly efficient para-military organisation), fought back with a mazy run then shot from their leader and captain, Ernst "Andrew Stone" Rohm. The game slipped and slid to half time, with the Badgers confidently passing the ball about their opponents in a way that only a team brimming with confidence (and 2 men up) could do. In this period, Wheatland missed a host of chances to score his and the club's first hat-trick!
At half time, Hamberger revealed the truth: His FM09 game was alive and well (and living in Droitwich!). Hate exploded towards Hamberger, who was buried in black armbands and spiteful words from McIntosh, who demanded that Hamberger's rating be dropped to a 5.6.
The second half began in the same vein as the first, with the Badgers taking advantage with A long range strike from Sam Hamberger, clearly urged on by his desire to make amends for being a dirty, using, bum-crack of a human, put the Badgers into a position that they were never likely to let slip. The team's passing went into over drive, with Simon Lofving seemingly inspired at the back of the defence, and the passing between the players being nothing short of awesome. McAutumnal, Wheatland, Hamberger, Jankovskij and Staniforth all had efforts off target, as the Badgers built up pressure. Finally, after great play in the build up, the ball fell to Josh Staniforth, whose touch sat up perfectly for Lofving, so hammered an unstoppable shot into the goal. Lofving deserved a goal, and it was by far the best goal of the game. It was also his first goal in English football. High on the sweet, sweet nectar that only goals can bring, the rest of the team went mental in the search for more goal-induced satisfaction.
This rapidly came in the shape of McDonaldhadafarmeieio, who jinked past an SS operative, before slotting home his effort. Goals followed from both Hamberger and McThisjokeisgettingoldnowbutillcarryonanyway, who took advantage of enthusiastic SS goalkeeping (which was also very inefficient, and was punished during the post-match of long knives) by both slotting into the empty SS net. At this point, the Badgers took their clawed and bleeding paws off of the pedal (proof once again that Badgers shouldn't drive motor vehicles), and the SS pulled two goals back. The second of these, immediately following two great saves from Clark, who was as solid as always in goal (and we love him for it, especially me, Ben Wheatland), was unfortunately put down as an O.G for Clark. The ball struck his hands, and thinking he had done enough, Clark did his trademark celebratory backflip-triple spin-heel kick-bounce. However, he turned in alarm as this team mates yelled at him (McAnatamy was heard yelling "5.6!!!!!!"), just in time to see the ball nestle gently into the roof of the net.
The Badgers finally killed off the game, however, in the last few minutes, as Jankovskij, notorious for his dangerous shooting, may have put the Badgers 8-3 up. We assume here that he did, so he definitely did. He scored from his own corner flag (maybe), although he could have easily scored from just outside the box. We don't know, and frankly don't care, we're sure we counted 8!
The win finally concluded, the Badgers were able to look to the last game of the season in a prime position to qualify for the knockout stages!
Tune in next week for the thrilling final chapter in this epic story!!!!!!!!!!!
