Slobberknocker at Sissys
Lair!
An incredible soccer fest at the Seamer SissyGirls – Sissy’s Lair Stadium saw the Gators leave with a share of the spoils after an 8 goal thriller.
The match was marred by a couple of stomach wrenching events as former Aytoner Andrew Horncastle left the pitch in an ambulance and Phil Wignalls passing caused one young fan to vomit uncontrollably.
Phil Holden once again took up his role in the sticks as he now becomes the undisputed number one goal tender. Pluminho also gave a benched appearance to deadline day signing; Marlon Moreno who joins for a club record fee from Spanish side Hercules.
Upon hearing the exciting news top Ayton fan – Jon Hick became overjoyed and just had to find out about the deal that took place late on deadline day. Hick decided to give Pluminho a ring on his cell. Reports close to the Gators management set up claim Hick congratulated Pluminho with words of praise, as he asked the young boss about the transfer record breaker “Did you smash it” he asked. Pluminho smiled gracefully as he said “Jon, I always smash it”.
The game kicked off with a bumper crowd packed in to Seamer’s retro sports stadium. The Farmers Field end saw Seamer’s team band bleat out top supporting hits such as “We are gay, we don’t care, were gunna kick you in the air” and fans favourite in the ‘El Village War derby “He’s big he’s fat he drinks 10 pints of lard PHIL PICKARD”.
A nervy exchange between the two sides took place as neither team looked capable of stringing a move to threaten either goal. This was however until 9 minutes in when suddenly Jamie Tyler made a horrendous clearance across his own goal. The ball dropped invitingly for a young Seamer Sissy and he strode forward and planted the ball in to the pokey to open the scoring.
Tyler was more distraught than the previous evening when he realised he had smoked his last roley as he hung his head in shame and trudged back for the centre kick. Frederiksen bellowed words of encouragement to Tyler from the opposite flank in an attempt to turn his frown upside down “for f*cks sake Tyler, that’s two f*ck ups now in two weeks. If you do one more im gunna come over there and land the fist of Freddie on your ass!” Tyler raised his head and battled on like the true warrior that he is. Wise words by Frederiksen, he is proving to be a real asset technically and now mentally within the squad – a real leader.
The Gators were finding themselves in some good positions as the game had become a midfield scrap. Sadly for the Golden Aytoners most moves were horrifically butchered at the hands of Wignall’s obscene passing tekkers, as many found there way into a local field. It was becoming as frustrating as a midget trying to get a box from the top shelf in Morrisons as the Aytoners begged Wignall to calm down or leave the field.
25 minutes in and the score was about to change as a free kick conceded on the Gators right 50 yards out saw Seamer hit a high curly swirly ball in to the penno zone. The Ayton back four stood and watched as an onrushing Seamerite flicked home a header unopposed. It was poor defending once again and the travelling Ayton faithful were not happy as boo’s rang around the ground.
The goal seemed to spark a fight back from our boys as Wallace fired wide and Tyler tried his luck with a sliced volley. Frederiksen was working hard down the right with very little service from his piers. A spate of Gator’s corners were causing havoc in the Sissy’s box as Frederiksens delivery’s were like scud missiles bombarding an afghan hideaway. Last years gaffer and this years cheerleader Geoff Osguthorpe said to our touchline reporter Gail Hailstorm “Those corners are undefendable, they are worth at least £10 million in today’s transfer market, my god that guy is hot. Do you know who rubs him down after the game??”
From said corner Rob Ward went close with a flying head butt and a Seamer defender was well placed to clear off the line at the next CK, as the Gators pushed and looked the most likely to get a netter.
A very well worked midfield move saw Wignall shut his eyes once again and play a high through ball pass over the top to send Bywater scuttling away on his own. Out came the Sissy’s keeper who was no match for Bywater as he deftly lobbed him and ran away celebrating with his trademark robotic dance moves. It was 2-1 – Game on!
Seamer were giving as good as they were receiving and this was without the appearance of Neil fraser to administer either as they came close from a corner themselves only to find Plumpton towering tall on the goal line to head clear.
The game was a real cracker and with only two minutes til the half time period Jamie Tyler stamped some real class on the affair with a 35 yard Hollywood blockbuster of a strike that shook Seamer to the core and tore a small hole in the Sissygirl’s net. A definite contender for goal of the season as Osguthorpe once again gave his opinion on the sideline to Hailstorm “ive never hit a ball like that in my life, do you think he can give me lessons? Hey do you know who rubs him down after the game at all?” Hailstorm moved away slowly and took up residence a good 10 metres away from Ossie on the side.
Half Time
Seamer Sissygirls (2) v (2) Ayton Alligators
(Above - Ossie the tactical wizard)
The Aytoners found themselves in a small dug out, a rare treat for the 3rd division scene as Pluminho administered his half time team talk only to see Pickard scamper behind the shelter with a spear and a bottle of tommy sauce, as he hurdled the fence to hunt a cow in the field adjacent for his half time snack.
The next goal would be crucial and Ayton were looking the most likely although the defending they were displaying didn’t display the greatest amount of confidence in it staying 2-2. Chances were a flowing as Wallace managed to miss a whole host as he fired a header at the keeper after some top link up play with the Gators form man; Bywater. Wallace was in again as he ran from deep one on one with the keeper only to feel the pressure like Vanessa Feltz gastric band and shoot wide when he really should have put the Gator’s in front.
The missed chances caused made the Gators as nervous as a jew in a shower as they knew the game was on a knife edge. The jittery back line got themselves in to all sorts of problems as Seamer took advantage of some poor play at the back once again and send the scores to 3-2 on 55 minutes. This sparked action by Pluminho as Martin Atkinson, 17, and Phil Wignall, 43, were replaced by Mike Hyde and Nick Craggs.
Pluminhos changes were made with last Thursdays training session in mind as Craggs had impressed all with his cultured step overs and his willingness to pass when only 4 yards away from the attacking goal.
Once again the Gator’s did not give up as their newly found determination of late saw them strike level just minutes later. Wallace was in again down the right and his cross come shot flew in to the far corner as Bywater almost got the final touch to register the ball point to him. It didn’t matter who had got it, the game was once again level. The crowd couldn’t believe it as a rendition of “We’re gunna win 10-9” rang out by both sets of fans. This game really was a slobberknocker and looked sure to make Non League Match of the Day’s as hosted by Richard Keys - first game of the show.
71 minutes in came the moment no footballer likes to be part of as Horncastle went down after a challenge from Pickard on half way. Horncastle was hurt as tempers frayed from the Sissygirls. An ambulance was called as Horncastle was quickly driven to Seamer hospital by the Casualty team.
(Horncastle above in full Sissy Kit)
After a 30 minute delay the game got under way again as Seamer replaced Horncastle. On came a midget.
Wignall was amazed by such a sight on the touchline as he pulled out an easel from his sports bag and began to draw a picture of the Narnian Seamer player.
(Below - Seamers Small Star)
The game looked most likely to be Aytons when another dismal piece of defending saw 3 members of the back 4 get drawn to the ball down the right and the Seamer forward squared to his unmarked mate to tap home with only 3 minutes left. Surely the points had gone?? Or had they….
Ayton sent everyone forward as they won a corner in the very last minute. Whistle blower Nige Trotter has the whistle in his mouth as Frederiksen sent over another Robin Hood like arrow in to the box to the screams of “Freeeeeedoooooom”. The ball was only half cleared to Wallace 12 yards out, he dinked it to the big man at the back stick – Bywater who won the ball a treat. The Seamer keeper pulled off a great save to deny Bywater but the ball was not clear. It stuck in the mud two yards out as Plumptons eyes lit up like a Barrowcliffe back garden bonfire. Plumpton struck and as he began to wheel away in celebration at being the hero the Seamer keeper somehow produced a wonder smother to deny him. Luckily for the Gator’s Plumptons reflexes of a jedi saw him shield the ball and flick nonchalantly to the onrushing Rob Ward who hammered in and made no mistake to settle the game at 4-4.
Again – WHAT A SLOBBERKNOCKER of a match, one that will be repeated at the Gatorade@Wilsons Lane stadium next month. I for one can not wait for this bad boy!
The Jon Hick Man of the Match award went to Daniel Bywater as Hick described the pint sized forward as everything he wanted to be as a footballer and more.
