Home league match played on 18 February 2023.
Kicked off at 12:00 AM

As nominee of A Milne to do the write up, I took an oath to prepare, review and submit a summary of the chronology and condensation of last Saturday’s Kiwi FC game as soon as reasonably practicable. I expect to take some heat for the slow provision of this summary at this Saturday’s fine session. The summary is set out in the follow sections: (i) summary of facts, (ii) summary of key events, and (iii) observations.

1. Summary of facts - Opponents: Yorxeter Football Club First XI with whom Kiwi FC beat decisively three goals to zero on the turf late last year. - Location: Dundonald Recreation Group – it was observed that from a distance, the surface of the Recreation Ground appeared smooth and unencumbered, however, upon closer inspection and in particular upon first kick of the football across the surface, the pitch was unreasonably undulating. - Weather: periods of wind and drizzle, and it was noted that the drizzle went some way to alleviating the aforementioned undulations of the pitch. - Line up: Kiwi FC presented a strong line up for the game, however certain players had overindulged on the night prior to the game and were dragged by the Gaffer during the course of the match.

2. Summary of key events: - prior to the first goal: it was noted that Kiwi FC were dominant from the start, with a number of high xG opportunities, including (i) G Milne’s header saved by the Yorxeter keeper following a flick on by S Collier’s from a R Bradley long throw (0.5xG), (ii) a cut back to the edge of the six yard box that was sent over the bar by [Liam], and (iii) a number of corners. - 1 nil Kiwi FC – it was noted that B Thomas made an excellent run down the left wing, beating a hapless defender, before picking out S Collier who had made an excellent run to the near post. - the scorpion kick – it was noted that the warning signs were there, particularly an event that resulted in a through ball by Yorxeter cleared by way of scorpion kick by B Money, who commented at the time “it had to be done”. - 1 all – the warning signs were there, and this time it was noted that the scorpion kick went missing, as the ball bypassed B Money, who attempted a WWE wrestling hold on the Yorxeter striker, before the ball ended up in the back of the net. - 2 1 Kiwi – it was acknowledged that the referee gave Kiwi FC an extremely marginal penalty in an event that could easily have led to a foul in favour of Yorxeter. R Cahill-Fleury, with his second touch of the game, buried the penalty bottom left side netting. - 2 all – it was noted, and S Salmon acknowledged and agreed, that he spent an unreasonably long period of time in possession of the ball in the centre back position near the centre circle. Yorxeter noted this delinquency and pounced. The result, a one on one between the Yorxeter striker and B Money, which was taken well by Yorxeter. - Final moments – it was noted that some last ditch defending saved Kiwi FC blushes, as Yorxeter went through one on one in the last moments of the match. It was further noted that Kiwi created a number of opportunities late in the game, including but not limited to an A Milne volley that was deflected skyward.

3. Observations - Kiwi FC won a free kick on the edge of the box. Amongst a number of Kiwi FC players interested in taking part in such opportunity was S Salmon, who was promptly told by B Thomas “ you’re never going to take this free kick Seb” to which Seb sulked “don’t tell me what to do” (whilst clearly agreeing with B Thomas’ comment by walking away from the ball). This was the beginning of S Salmon’s red mist. S Salmon’s red mist – it was noted that with five minutes to go in the game, S Salmon made a raid an unreasonably large distance from the reasonable position for a centre back, making a bee line for the young Yorxeter striker who had been “prodding the bear” all day long. It was clear to all and sundry that S Salmon’s intention was to make contact (whether legal or illegal and whether direct or indirect) with the Yorxeter striker. An illegal contact was made, and a yellow card was presented to S Salmon. G Milne – it was noted that the author was dragged, and it was suggested that when he realised he was being dragged that G Milne tried to subtly shout “no, don’t take George off”, trying to make it seem that his fellow team members wanted him on the field. All players acknowledged and agreed that the Gaffer made an excellent decision in dragging the team’s sole ginger from the field, replaced by a much more able-bodied Kane.

Kia pai to ra, G Milne

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