Away cup match played on 23 September 2018.
Kicked off at 11:00 AM

Coming off the back of a well thought victory the previous week and a pre-season friendly win against the upcoming opponents the expectation was to complete a resounding victory and move forward in the county Cup. Fuck me we were wrong. It didn't start off well. 2 hours before kick off we lost star striker Jordan Cutsforth to the shits. Listen Jordan you've not experienced the shits till you've had a fucking cock in your arse the size of a police baton and a vindaloo after. Anyway enough about my Saturday night. Then 40 minutes later, we lost our star man Gary Atkinson to sickness. Apparently its not alcohol inflicted. However aids may have played a part in the damage.

So manager rich had 11 men and 11 men to choose from to inflict victory. His selection didn't start off great when he selected Drew Moran as captain. In the pre-match interview with Moran he was quoted saying ‘I hope Gary and Jordan have some serious campylobacter’. Anyway there was a couple of debuts to be had. Firstly Steven ‘Joel matip’ Tong was brought in to lighten the weight of the back 3. Steven said before the game he was looking forward to his first game of the season after 3 months of smoking 20 a day and 18 pints on a Leeds match day! Dwayne ‘the rock johnson’ made a solid start to the game arriving at approx 10.58 due to the shitty Hull marathon (cheers stu, dickhead).

The oak were boosted with the returning Andy ‘bubble butt’ Knappett fresh off a couple of weeks in America. Lets see if Juan Knappa can produce some heroics!

Kick off approached. The oak looked hungry due to the promise of food at the village after. Pitch conditions weren't great. Slightly greasy but hard pitch both sides were struggling to hold possession. Relentless pressure from Parkers with balls over the top causing problems left right and centre. After 20 minutes we grew into the game quite well and a couple of half chances fell the way to Daniel ‘freddie’ Flintoff. Just nothing was going our way.

Surprisingly their goal came out of absolute fuck all. The ball was cleared well however a moment of brilliance from there number 10. Left footed volley edge of the area. Top bin. Sometimes you have to admire brilliance. What followed that was moments of fucking stupidity. Relentless running down our right hand side left us exposed in one and one situations and swapping one mcfadyen with a lighter mcfadyen I thought we may have added a little more pace at the back. I think we need a race to see who's slowest over 50 yards between Adam and Chris? My moneys on the snail in the grass. (no offence lads im not exactly bolt am I). Right then anyway so couple of poor defensive errors it's then 3- fucking nil with 10 minutes to go. A quick re group from the boys thanks to rich Wallis faking an injury Moran and Tong were seen having a discussion. The crowd must have thought fuck me there's a definite caution coming here if these two are plotting something. But no. Right lads lets not fucking concede in the last 10 of this half. Game restarted. Ball goes out for parkers Corner. Parkers score. 4-0. Fuck that went down like a led fucking balloon. Just before halftime Moran and Tong were seen arguing. ‘you're carrying it on, no you're carry it on. No you are. You are.’ just to quote the argument. Stupid cunts.

Half time came so the lads needed a bit of a pick up for the second half. I asked the lads one simple question: ‘Steve can you re-tell that story when you fell off your bike making you look like Kane from wwf?’ after Steve told us again how he fell off his bike at 20mph and the odd comment about perhaps getting a car we went out expecting a performance.

Well we fucking didn't. End of. Finished 8 fucking 0. It was a tough second half. I just want to mention to the lads that played you gave 110% for 90 minutes which is what we ask. It's only Sunday league you gave the effort we pick ourselves up and go again next week.

Post match interview with Veteran Aaron Tong over a couple of Stella's: ‘so aza, thoughts on todays game?’

‘they played well, was a tough game today due to lack of players but the 11 that played gave a brave account which is all we ask for’.

Your thoughts on Knappett and debutant brother Steven?

‘knappett wasteful in possession, lacks composure and confidence, needs to sort himself out or I'm going to start eating his lasses feet when she sleeps. And Steven, great tenacity but he's got a great 50p head’

I will recap the boys performance with 3 words: commitment, dedication and effort.

Just not the composure we needed today.

MOTM for me was Danny ‘Freddie’ Flintoff. A tough game up front leading the line against a physical side he gave a fantastic outlet off the ball with great running. Look forward to seeing what he can produce over the next few years for the Oak.

Up next for the oak is a home game against homewood. Not sure who the fuck they are but fuck me we need more availability!

‘do you want to see your name in the lights in the Moran match report?’ then get yourself to the fucking game.

Returning team news:

After predicting Adam Mcfadyen to propose (actually had no idea it was happening) and Lewis Shears (still a week to go) they both will face late fitness tests on Sunday to see if available. Adam will have testicles like a raisin (they stop touching you when the ring goes on) and shears is altitude training so may feel after affects.

Will James Wilson stop touching kids for one week and make a return to the oak? There's a playground with kids you'll love it.

Gary and Jordan to stop giving each other aids and return to the fold?

Hopefully if we can boost the squad with some returning favourites then we may begin our promotion push next week.

On the bright side lads today was a cup week so we get a Sunday off soon.

We go again. Up the Oak!

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