Consett The Barn Vs Oxhill Central FC (Cup) We’ve got the Kei, we’ve got the secret.
This morning we faced The Barn in the 1st leg of the Quarter Finals of the Harkness Trophy up Consett Stadium. Today’s squad had a few holes in especially in the attacking department where Gateshead Scott from Ouston was still in the Middle East looking for Sheep, Gateshead Dan from Dipton was still locking up naughty dog walkers in Keswick and Veteran Gav was at crazy kingdom playing in the soft play. Clarkey the 80s pop star Was missing because of the drink AGAIN and superstar Hodgey was still unable to make his first appearance since resigning back in September. Little Luke was also missing due to sickness after he took the advise of last weeks ref and ate a load of Sunday dinners. Back in the squad this week was Singe, Sensible Cap Josh and Sheep (unknown to the oblivious Gateshead Scott from Ouston). The squad went to get kitted up but we’re all stood on their boxers when they noticed they had left the bag of strips in the bar. CatMeat fetched the kits noticed that both teams were in blue and black, luckily The Barn had their short sleeved maroon kits as spare, even though the weather was far from short sleeve weather. Manager Pounder got mad at people turning up late and ex manager Jeff said he had been there, done that and got the T Shirt in 3 different sizes. The attacking selection dilemma meant Kei and Bott were selected to lead the line, Kei said he would run over The Arch supporters and Jump the fence in celebration if he scored. Monk and Bonzo had a midweek shopping trip to Sports Direct and both came flashing their new shiny boots. Donnelly the South Moor Messi and Fisher turned up at 1035 after Fisher used his horse riding skills to trot the drunken pair to Consett. The game kicked off in a wet and cold Consett Stadium and The Arch took an early lead with a neat finish from Jägermiester Davison. PeeDog fell over his umbrella when celebrating. A penalty from Dangerous Davies put us 2-0 up before a defensive error allowed The Barn to pull one back. This caused Bonzo Brown to say he was crap, football was crap, the ref was crap and all his team was crap before leaving the pitch, CrabStick Cox said he disagreed with him. Sensible cap Josh shouted at Piegeon Bezzy and made him angry, PeeDog then stuck up for bezzy and threw a banger at Josh and scared him, Sensible Cap Josh said you shouldn’t do that to people with PTSD. Back in the game where 2 goals from stand in striker Kei seen us 4-1 up at the break and looking comfortable in the game. Broccoli Head Matty turned up to watch in a fluffy coat and his shorts proving his fashion still hadn’t improved. The second half began like the first with another early goal seeing Kei net his 3rd. We then had a 10 minute capitulation where Donnelly the South Moor Messi forgot how to take a throw in, Bott assisted their striker and Sheep injured Joe Gill is Brill, oh and we conceded goals! All this sent Duffy2 to sleep. The game finally ended 6-4 with another goal from Kei making it 4 goals and a MoM performance, he still didn’t celebrate with The Arch fans as promised. Back at the club we found out that Joe Gill is Brill throws garden gnomes at people in Peterlee, Pigeon Bezzy strangled one of his pigeons and and Duffy 1 and 2 have fell out and don’t spend time together no more. The stand in Bar Man won the meat draw and Bott let Singe down and never gave him his weekly kitchen treat. Next week is the turn of Joe Gill is Brill to bring singed weekly breakfast treat, we are away to newly formed penalty shootout experts Catchgate in the cup. All the above stories are true. #UTA
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