Home league match played on 03 November 2011.
Kicked off at 1:20 PM

Another day, another disappointing result for the Badgers.

This is the sentence that was originally planned to open this report. As it is, recent events have ocurred in such a way as to make it obselete!

This is much more apt (And lovingly ripped off from a cheap newspaper from a while back):

SUPER-BADGERS-GO-BALLISTIC, NO-HOPERS ARE ATROCIOUS

That is right, Reservoir Badgers FC notched up their first win in two seasons. The crowd (Yes, there was a crowd. Assuming, of course, that one person can be called a crowd) went ballistic. They (One Human Being) had to be restrained, as they (Still just the one) attempted to charge onto the pitch to celebrate with the jubilant players, who snarled and scratched their Badgery little hearts out in joy in the centre circle. It is not an exaggeration to say that the players celebrating in front of the Panteli stand were heroes, fine adonises of men who played like lions, but with Lionel Messi's feet. For the newest players, the feeling of a win was new, and the emotions that they were subjected to throughought the tense game spilled out after the final whistle. Joe Panteli, enjoying his first win after rejoining the club, broke down in tears, and Will Downs and debutant Simon Lofving knelt, hugging in the centre circle, quite unable to take in the monumental events of the past half hour.

For those who are wondering, here is how this historic game panned out:

Before kick-off, new signings Simon Loqvist, on a short term loan from Aalborg, and James McAmatney, good, were paraded to the fan(s). A group of Welsh fans left highly disappointed when McAtamanamanamany was interviewed, as they had believed he was Gareth Bale. Luckily his accent cleared the issue up, and they were soon evicted (For a surfeit of Welshness, foolishness etc). McAntandDec soon got over this traumatic experience though, but had to settle for a place on the bench, as the Holy Management Trio opted for players who were very determined to start. So it was that Lofving, Breslin, Stuart, Downs and Clark all started, and Wheatland was allowed on too, only after promising that he would try "As hard as he can".

Surprisingly, against the 5 No-Hopers who arrived on time, Wheatland did exactly that, and his and the teams dogged hastling of their opponents eventually gifted Cameron Stuart an opportunity to score his first Badgers goal, which he did, cooly slotting in from outside the area. The team went wild, this being the first time they had taken the lead in a game for nearly 2 seasons of football. The fan(s) began chanting some of their favourite chants which, unfortunately, are wholly unprintable. At this point, a potentially game changing event occurred. A sixth No-Hoper appeared, which levelled the teams, and present the Badgers with a challenge. Luckily the Badgers rallied around a snarled battle cry from the inspired Breslin, and they continued to rip hunks of tattered flesh from the footballing skins of their opponents. They created numerous chances, with Stuart going close, Wheatland scuffing a shot wide before hitting a post, and Breslin trying his luck from long range. 

This dominance turned out to be a double edged sword however as complaceny spread through the ranks, which eventually led to an underserved equaliser. The Route 1 football that the No-Hopers resorted to was entirely opposite to the Godly passing game that the Badgers used, but it was just as effective, and it left the otherwise faultless 'keeper Matt Clark stranded as the No-Hoper striker put the ball in the Badgers' net. 

This spelled an end to the dominance of the Badgers, as nerves got the better of them, and the for the rest of the half, the play was scrappy. This let the Badgers' goalkeeper get a slice of the action, and immediately showed his class by turning two No-Hoper effort round his goal posts in an expert fashion. Luckily the Badgers' dug in and at half time it was 1-1. After an encouraging team talk at half time, and spurred on by the chanting (still unprintable, but very imaginative), the Badgers exploded out of the blocks.

Debutant McAnts: The Movie seized control of the game and immediately from the kickoff, he dispossed a No-Hoper, before rounding another and slotting emphatically into the goal, becoming only the second Badger, after Paul Field, to score on his debut. His celebration was muted, but he will learn to celebrate his goals like they are gold dust. Despite his lack of joy, the Badgers were clearly filled with confidence from their potentially unpronouncable surnamed star, and Will Downs especially was inspired. This all came together minutes later, as beautiful football from the Badgers ripped open the opposition defence, Downs controlled the ball sublimely, then slotted a through ball to Wheatland, who smashed the ball at the keeper. Somehow, however, the ball nestled into the back of the net, and the team went wild once more, only this time Wheatland showed McAntroyarchibaldhenville how to celebrate a Badgers goal, with a celebration that far out-awesomed his goal. After this then game went down a gear. The Badgers continued to create chances without testing the opposition keeper, most noticalby when Staniforth shot first time when he had time, only to see his shot go out for a throw (Sorry Josh!). Panteli was solid at the back (as usual), and all the Badgers seemed to be able to sense that this was their day! Matt Clark again produced heroics in the Badgers' goal, keeping out more and more efforts as his team mates started to play a deeper line. Clark's brave defending was not enough though, as the No-Hopers grabbed a goal that turned out to be nothing more than a concellation, but Clark was not at fault, and therefore earns his second man of the match award in as many games. Clark is now the Badgers' all time MoM awardee, and should be proud!

Full time was called moments later, and the Badgers...Actually, read the first few paragraphs again...

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