AFC Defib 1 vs 0 Lengers FC

? AFC DEFIB vs LENGERS FC

FINAL SCORE: AFC Defib 1 – 0 Lengers FC

DURATION: 40 mins – short, sweet, and chaotic

THE SQUAD:

- ?? Hari Morgan – GK / Long-ball Lottery Winner

- ??? Alex Attwell – CB / Commander-in-Chief / Toe Warrior

- ??? Declan “Tecky Decky” Mennell – LB / Brick-with-legs / Human Barrier

- ? Josh Gillard – RB / Trigger-Happy / “See Colour = Chase”

- ?? Mckenzie Jones – CM / Goal Machine / Car Saboteur

- ?? SUBS: Aidan Gigg, David Duffy

?? THE FULL CHAOS REPORT

?? PRE-MATCH: THE GREAT CROATIAN BETRAYAL

We rocked up ready for The Gillard Showdown – billed as the battle of the season… only to find out the entire Lengers first team had bailed to party in Croatia. What turned up instead? A ragtag crew of AFCON leftovers, part-timers, and blokes who looked like they’d wandered over from the park bench. We were robbed of the proper clash, but hey – free win potential, right?

?? HARI MORGAN – GOALKEEPER

Pre-match warm-up? Absolute carnage. His kicks were basically a lottery – one nearly took out a dog, another landed in the next village, and the rest were so bad we’d have been better off throwing the ball out by hand.

Game time? Barely touched it. Could’ve brought a deckchair and a book. Kept a clean sheet by doing the bare minimum – classic Hari efficiency.

?? ALEX ATTWELL – CENTRE-BACK

Legend has it he turned up with an ingrown toenail so angry it should’ve had its own booking. Did it slow him down? Not a bit.

He bossed the backline like a headmaster in a playground, shouting orders loud enough for the Lengers lads in Split to hear. Read the game like a book, won everything in the air, and was absolutely fuming not to score early on. Played with 9½ toes and 100% grit – proper captain’s display.

?? DECLAN “TECKY DECKY” MENNELL – LEFT-BACK

Let’s be honest: the nickname is pure irony. His technique is so basic even the opposition’s worst player knew exactly what was coming next. Dribbling? Risky. Passing? A gamble. First touch? Like controlling a brick.

BUT… defensively? ABSOLUTE TANK. He bailed Alex out so many times he should’ve been given a co-captain’s armband. Threw himself into tackles and blocks like he owed the pitch money. Clean sheet? All down to him fixing everyone else’s mess up. “Tecky” my backside – call him “The Wall” from now on.

?? JOSH GILLARD – RIGHT-BACK

Team talk: “Stay calm, keep shape, read the game.”

Josh’s brain: “SAW A BLACK PLAYER – MUST ATTACK!”

First 5 minutes he was sprinting at people like they owed him money. No Tom or Matthew in midfield meant we lost all control, so Josh decided he’d run the whole show himself – charging around like a toddler with a sugar rush.

Late on? Absolutely launched into a horror tackle on an innocent bloke – ref bottled it completely and waved play on. Lucky to stay on, lucky we didn’t get sued.

? MCKENZIE JONES – CENTRAL MIDFIELD

THE MAIN MAN. Locked in from the first whistle. Harried, pressed, hassled, and smashed shots at their keeper from every angle – should’ve buried a hat-trick if their shot-stopper wasn’t playing the game of his life.

THE GOAL: Alex pinged an absolute peach of a pass wide to Josh, who hammered a low cross across the box, and Mckenzie slid in to finish it cool as you like. Pure class.

OFF THE PITCH: Sadly famous for leaving a little “present” in the team car afterwards. Hero on the grass, absolute menace in the back seat.

?? AIDAN GIGG – SUB

Came on buzzing, bouncing off the walls… then proceeded to miss three sitters Alex swears were absolute assists. Quote of the day: “I lost so many assists ‘cause of you!”

He did dig in later, though – chased, tackled, and helped shore things up. We’ll let him off… this time.

?? DAVID DUFFY – SUB

Ran himself into the ground, chasing every lost cause like it owed him a fiver. Desperate for that first goal or assist, and came closest when he got one clear shot – only for their keeper to pull off a miracle save. Still smiling, still working – proper graft.

? MAN OF THE MATCH: MCKENZIE JONES

No debate. Scored the winner, ran their defence ragged, and was our best player by a mile. Bonus award: “Worst Passenger” – for the thing he did in the car. We’re still airing it out.