Away friendly match played on 15 August 2010.
Kicked off at 12:00 AM

Crowd disturbances overshadowed a Red Lion victory against bitter rivals Westfield on Sunday. Playing at a neutral venue due to ugly scenes last season when supporters clashed in Focus carpark, local  police were unable to stop pitched battles breaking out on the terracing. PC Darren Machell was quickly on the scene but in a work capacity and not as a marauding right midfielder. However, despite his protestations over loud speaker for the crowd to “Calm the fuck down” and even wading into the crowd on his horse and with a whistle nothing could stop a minority of the 71,007 crowd from fighting .

It all took the edge off another encouraging display by Red Lion  as the scoreline of 3-1 didn’t reflect the dominance they had over their higher division neighbours.

Due to the neutral venue the players had to get changed at Weetwood and thus Parry’s warm up was sadly curtailed much to his dismay. No wheelbarrows or piggy backs this weekend and the snarling Alsatian he had borrowed from the nearby Police HQ was left snarling on the touchline. “If I can get you to run quicker than I’ll do whatever I can” Parry said as he lobbed another piece of steak at the pooch to devour.

As it was the team started sharply with some neat football and only the final ball letting them down. At the back Davlin had returned from his week at Gay Pride butched up and slotted alongside Ste Mid. Levine appeared at left midfield fresh from his disappointing 50p haul on Deal or No Deal last week which even Noel Edmonds remarked was “pretty shit to be fair”. With no Buttons ( dead shins ) Si Hollings ( dead gerbil ), Graham ( dead pissed ), PC Machell ( dead on arrival at a scene in Gipton )Neal Guy ( dead ringer for Anton Sibierski ), Dicky Machell ( dead pleased with the new Westlife single ) and Smex ( dead )  Parry played in the hole behind Tatts who was keen to impress ( by his standards ) against his old club.

The first goal came when a long/lovely ball from Ste Mid caught the Westfield defence square and Tatts sauntered onto it to fire in. Levine nearly got the 2nd when his shining but thinning red head couldn’t keep an excellent right wing cross down. Westfield’s main danger was the right winger who was quicker than Tatts getting a ten pound note out when Mercedes at Wildcats asks if he’d like a dance. Arran kept him in a check by and large and in the 2nd half he was non-existent. The 2nd goal came again from Ste Mid when a clearing header found its way to a loitering Tatts who again made no mistake but was booked for making an abusive gesture to the Westfield support.

It was all very comfortable until Westfield scored out of the blue. The big lad held it up well and looked to have scored a very good goal when he lobbed Adam though it may have been a fluke. If it was a fluke it wasn’t as clear as the one Kris scored the other day which was plainly embarrassing.

This momentarily rocked Red Lion but they should have still ended the half further ahead when Branny’s corner could have been converted by Levine.

At the break Parry gave an impromptu maths lesson when he said that if they worked twice as hard chasing the game then we would have to work three quarters as hard if we weren’t but only two fifths harder if we were level. If we were two ahead then he calculated we’d need to work at 80% but if we were losing then we’d have to work overtime but only get paid time and a half and upon receiving confused looks threatened to set the dog on us.

It nearly backfired though as Westfield started the 2nd half brightly and threatened the Red Lion goal without creating anything meaningful. However, Red Lion soon got to grips with the oppositions new formation and started playing football again. Matty Larkins put in a couple of good challenges on their forward who was called Adolf and is just begging to have a joke written here. One flowing move involving Kris and Branny would have been the Goal of the ( Pre ) Season if Tatts could have finished it. As it was the goal came from a Parry corner that broke to Kris who smashed home.

The traffic was one way now and Tatts should have his hat-trick or Kris should have got his brace when our unselfish centre forward went through and only had to square it to Sutton who could tap in. Or Tatts could have just rolled it past the keeper. Instead a “horrible bounce” saw his “shot” screw madly into the crowd. Kris Sutton was snarling like an angry bear for the rest of the game.  Chris, who had come on from Branny whose impressive tan would have made the watching David Dickinson and Dale Winton jealous, nearly made it four but just couldn’t get on the end of a Tatts cross. Andy Davey was also on sporting a pair of effortlessly cool white pumps – none of this football boot shit for Davey.

The remainder of the game was about Tatts trying his hardest to get his hat-trick, refusing to pass to anyone until he’d scored. Parry took exception to this and deliberately put his body on the line to prevent a certain goal.

The game was just about up until the crowd scenes where it is suggested the Westfield supporters took exception to the Red Lion fans gloating and waded in with boots and fists. It eventually blew over though when Parry let the impatient dog loose and everyone scarpered.

A quick word about the referee who controlled the game very well even though he looked like he’d come off the set of Grange Hill.

Next up is a game again Horsforth Someoneorother before the season starts properly against Idontthaveaclue Park Rangers.

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