Home league match played on 06 December 2009.
Kicked off at 12:00 AM

A speculative swing of the left foot, the ball sailing towards the Rose goal, Scott sinking faster than Liverpool’s title hopes and the net sighing as the ball apologetically drifted in. It wasn’t the only thing sighing as Rose saw their unbeaten start to the season come to an end to a jubilant Halfway House.

It was probably a fair result on the balance of play as Rose found themselves two down at the break and gave themselves too much to do in the second half. Despite clawing their way level Halfway quickly scored again and that took the wind out of the Rose sails.

Poor old Gaffer Sutton. On special leave from Guantanamo Bay he was forced to watch this defeat wearing an orange paper suit, hands and  feet cuffed with PC Machell and The Wolf nearby. His incarceration for his careless disposal of his cigarette had seen the Rose club shop disappear in flames and now his team’s unbeaten start was doing the same.

Via satellite link up from his cell he announced the team line up. Jimmy returned to the line up. PC Machell was on suicide watch so Andy Davey lined up on the left with “Something Kind of Ooooh” Machell moving to the right wing. Tatts had returned to the squad but took his place on the bench as Buttons and Dan retained their places up front. Tatts couldn’t feel that aggrieved really as he swayed his way to the pitch still feeling the full affects of the onslaught of lager from the previous night. JT voluntarily took the linesman’s flag to get away from this stench.

It was a disappointing crowd for this table topper but amongst the audience were scouts from St.Margarets, Rawdon, Milford and Chippendales who had come to see if any of the lads were able to make their winter tour. They left disappointed I am told.

Kicking into the wind the game started slowly. Kris and Ste McD were gaining ground in midfield and Andy Davey had the beating all day of the right back. Rose just couldn’t find that final ball and gradually frustration set in. Halfway sensed this and had sent a couple of warning shots past Scott before one did hit the target to give them the lead. The away team were in the ascendancy now and Neil and Davlin were getting stretched. It wasn’t the only thing stretched as Neil came off with growing pains to be replaced by Phil. But the attacks kept coming and it was no real surprise when the lead was doubled by a fine drive from the left winger.

Rose were rocked but towards the end of the half nearly fashioned an equaliser when Buttons shot from a Dan pullback bounced off the post to the oohs and ahhs of the crowd. Ste McD also got free in the box but his chip to the far post couldn’t be converted.

Half time came and the Gaffer wasn’t happy. The team hadn’t been outplayed but a deficit of two goals was going to be tough to claw back. The biting wind was playing havoc with his paper suit but steam was still coming from his ears as he laid into the players. He’d borrowed Fergie’s hairdryer and even Dicky Machell was startled enough to look up from reading his Bunty Annual.

The second half began and it was clear there was an improvement. The Halfway defence started to panic a bit and on the left Andy Davey was just sauntering around the full back like he was stood still. His dangerous crosses were causing problems and from one substitute JT got to one and pulled it back for Buttons to side foot in from 2 yards. Rose’s tails were up and the equaliser arrived 5 minutes later when JT scooped the ball from the mud over the top to the other sub Tatts who despite seeing 3 keepers in front of him managed to keep his composure and dink in. 2-2! The scouts had gone early thinking they had seen enough.

And then another ball through from Kris found Buttons who raced in on goal. However, his shot spooned up tamely and in slow motion looped over the bar. It proved to be crucial as Halfway managed to break free from their shackles and slalom through the Rose defence. The forward then finished well to make it 2-3.

It was cruel on Rose and the team were visably rocked. Despite throwing in more balls to the Halfway box they never really looked like getting back on terms with the keeper holding crosses and not missing anything. As Rose pressed more gaps were appearing and Scott did well twice to save point blank shots. Jimmy, almost as if time was at a standstill dribbled one off the muddy line to stop a certain goal.

And so it was that a last minute speculative shot sailed past Scott and those on the sideline wept tears of anguish.

PC Machell gently led a sobbing Gaffer away from the scene. The Wolf howled mournfully. Yeadon Town Hall’s chimes seemed sad that morning. Aaron didn’t utter a sound as he was thrashed mercilessly by the Micklefield mistress. Buttons, who was tied to the radiator watching this display from his ex couldn’t really see what was going on as he replayed his sand wedge miss over and over. It is rumoured Kris is still sitting in the mud now shaking his head but still finding time to send emails and text messages.

It is indeed a blow but perhaps it was coming as the reverse fixture was only salvaged with a last minute equaliser after all.

Rose will have to regroup as St Margarets are the next to visit a destroyed Micklefield pitch and Premier League opposition are going to be a tough nut to crack at the best of times.




Wanted! A life size poster of Cheryl Cole. The Gaffer has asked for this so he can put it on his wall in his cell. He also needs a small rock hammer, “for making chess pieces”. He also needs someone who can open a bank account in a different name, someone who has a house in the middle of nowhere and someone who can make it thunder and lightening at will.


Dicky Machell has thrown in a transfer request after the nations decision to crown Joe McCleverleyEverleyBeverley as the new X-Factor champ. Judging by the amount of idiots that voted for him then by the law of averages at least 3 people in the changing rooms must have voted. “It’s not on. Dannyl should have won” he moaned as he safely guided in another Jet2 plane. Commiserations to Scatch who was a gallant runner up in ITV’s bore off. 


Further sad news as we are sorry to announce the death of Ste McD’s kneebrace.  It was involved in a fight on Friday night at The Regent where it was thrown on to the railway lines behind the pub. The 22:06 to Bradford Forster Square couldn’t stop in time.


Breakfast Radio Shock Jock Andy Davey was removed from the airwaves this week after describing Louis Walsh, on air, as a “bit of a knob really”. One caller from Yeadon was so incensed by this slur he phoned in his complaint 156 times. On seeking comment from Dicky Machell his phone was engaged despite numerous attempts.


Smex finally returns from suspension this month. During his enforced sabbatical he has been busy storming to the top of the Crown Green Bowling League. His long awaited appearance on Last of The Summer Wine where he plays Compo’s brother will be aired on the BBC sometime in spring. Watch this space.

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