Away cup match played on 25 October 2009.
Kicked off at 12:00 AM

Ba baba ba baba baba ba, ba baba ba baba ba, ba baba ba baba babaaaaaaa, der der der der, der der der der, der der der der, der der der der. DER DER DER DERRR, DER DER DER DER DER DER DERRRRRRRRRRR rang out through the tannoy of The Stephen “Top, top deals on Hosepipes” Smith Stadium on Sunday. The instantly recognisable Rocky theme greeted the players of League 1 leaders Otley Town and League 2 leaders Yorkshire Rose for a PC Sports “Cricket Boxes 2 for 1. Get them while they last” Cup clash.

And ( never start a sentence with the word and ) it was the league 2 side that pulled off the shock of the round with a comprehensive 4-1 demolition job which will make the whole league sit up and take notice. Headmasters League Chairman Derek Perm even took time out from cutting a patron’s mullet to remark, “Yowsers”.

It was no more than the league 2 side deserved as even missing some players they outfought and outplayed their illustrious opponents.

The team had a few changes as the tight shorts made a welcome reappearance between the sticks after Radio Rose 92.9 FM “Wake Up With Davey” received thousands of calls during the week demanding their reinstatement. Phil Rhodes was only too happy to oblige as he slipped into them filling up every nook and cranny as he walked uncomfortably onto the pitch. Neil, cutting it fine from his shift at Creamfields, made the line up only minutes from the kick off to line up alongside the returning Smex who had only that morning had won his game of crown green bowls against 91 year old Barty Cheesewright. Davlin moved into the centre of the park to protect his brother Kris. Buttons, mourning an away game as he badly missed his Micklefield mistress was up front as Dicky “Listen To Your Heart, When It’s Calling For You” Machell went to left midfield.

Surprisingly the home team had more selection problems than Rose and started the game with 10 men. It wasn’t until they got to 11 men though that the first goal arrived slightly against the run of play. Kris Sutton threaded a fine through ball to Tatts who was wildly hacked down to earn a penalty. “Ello, ello, what’s going on here then?” PC Machell picked up the ball as he surveyed the scene. “You” pointing at the Otley defender, “You’re nicked son. In the van now” Jimmy’s wolf growled menacingly from the sidelines. There was no stopping everyones’ favourite copper as he slammed in the opener.

The defence was working overtime as Otley came back into it. Arran and Jimmy dealing admirably with their tricky wingers. Neil and Smex stopping anything through the middle.

Half time came and the Gaffer was happy. No need for dramatics this week so instead he stood on his soap box and started crooning a few Robson & Jerome numbers. Dicky Machell, the emotion of the last few weeks getting to him, was sobbing his poor little heart out.

It’s been a theme of recent weeks though that Rose concede straight from the break. This week was no different as Town equalised with a slick move. 1-1.

In the centre of the park the two Suttons had probably been under-estimated by the 2 whippersnappers from Town and they gradually got on top again. Davlin, who hadn’t worked as hard as this since he collected all his poker chips from Friday’s game was replaced by Dan Sotudeh who was making his debut. Andy Davey fresh from his Radio Rose Road Show in Skeggy replaced the distraught Dicky “5 will make you feel alright” Machell. He had gone down injured but after the game admitted to a reporter that he was nipping off home to tape the Radio Rose Top 40.

It was Phil Rhodes though that made the game changing difference. The Town winger went down over Jimmy’s invisible leg and to the disbelief of the 6,000 travelling fans the referee pointed to the spot. Phil Rhodes was having none of it though. He’d not squeezed into those shorts to let in penalties. Flinging himself full length the penalty was repelled and the game remained tied.

Davey and Dan made a huge difference. Interchanging passes with Buttons and Kris it was no surprise when the visitors took the lead. Buttons took time out from his indiscreet phonecall to his mistress, “No, we’re away next week as well. Love you sugarplums, miss you baby. Bye, bye, bye. You say bye. Bye, bye, bye. You say bye last, bye. Bye, Bye. Fookin’ hell Arran, what you do that for? That phone is brand new. No need for that” He flicked the ball on for Tatts who up till then had been sat on a deckchair, smoking a pipe, reading the Sunday Times but he rose from his Sunday morning slumber and volleyed in brilliantly.

Buttons than ran onto a fine pass from Dan who was making nearly as good a cameo as that geezer that came on against Milford. Buttons first shot was saved but he knocked in the rebound and celebrated with another phone call to Rawdon, “I’m coming to the ball baby. See you soon”

Otley were deflated and to rub salt into the wounds Kris Sutton got his first goal of the season with a bullet header from PC Machell’s corner. You read that right Sutton. First goal of the season.

The visiting fans were ecstatic, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All The Way, Oh What Fun it is to see Rose win away” and more confusingly, “It ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it. That’s what gets results”.

The game was over. Jimmy had time to play with his wolf. Smex had time to play chess with Neil. Arran had time to get a new tattoo. PC Machell had time to nick a belligerent spectator. Kris had time to get booked and Tatts had time to sit back in his deckchair, pick up his pipe and calmly read the Sunday Times.




Weeping Satellite - Tasmin Archer has been released without charge from Guiseley Jail. “I never stole a microwave and I didn’t burn down the Yorkshire Rose club shop. Justice has been served here today” she shouted as tears rolled down her cheeks. Commenting, PC Machell said, “Can you sign my brother’s copy of your album please Tasmin?”


Burn, Baby Burn – the club shop arson mystery rumbles on. PC Machell’s current theory is that it was struck by a bolt of lightening. A mad doctor seen zip wiring away from the scene has not been confirmed. PC Machell has been handing out “Save the Club Shop” flyers to passers by.


It’s Like That. That’s Just The Way It Is  – Andy Davey has got VIP tickets for his Road Show this week for any club members. Special feature this week is a DJ Dance Off between Andy and Dave Lee Travis.


Poles Apart – Davlin and Tatts are holding Cheerleading auditions for the Rose Half Time entertainment. Please encourage any wives, girlfriends to audition. Auditions are to be held at The Red Leopard, Leeds. Catsuits encouraged. No trainers.


The Kids Are United – Congratulations to the Yorkshire Rose Under 11’s who won their first game of the season against Hoodie Town. Smex’s great,great,great,great grandson got the winner on 77 minutes.




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