On a pitch that was wetter than Rod Hull’s roof Yorkshire Rose claimed their third giant killing act of the season in dispatching First Division Idle United from the LDV Vans Cup. It was another heart stopper and the 33,477 loyal fans witnessed their second penalty shoot out this season as Rose edged through.
Whoever invented Swings & Roundabouts had it right as Scott Dyson who the previous week had conceded a comedy goal and got himself sent off as well became the hero with some fine saves during the game and the crucial save in the penalty shoot out.
The team news saw three Suttons on the bench. Ben, Kris and Dav. Four if you include the Gaffer himself. Dav Sutton wasn’t fit enough to start the match after an all night bender. I think it would be fair to say he wasn’t fit to run the line either as within 5 minutes the referee was making the ins and outs decisions on Dav’s side as the inebriated Sutton couldn’t see further than 5 yards. JT joined this footballing family tree to complete the bench. Absentees included Phil Rhodes who was performing at the Sydney Mardi Gras and Buttons who was watching the game from the comfort of his lover’s bedroom overlooking the pitch. He could have returned some of the many balls that flew over but instead elected to engage in some inappropriate sordid S&M acts. On the Sabbath too.
The game also saw the captaincy handed to Jimmy Laughey whose Anger Management classes and the calming presence of his wolf had mellowed our rampaging right back over the last few weeks. Indeed, during a lull in the second half he was spotted with easel and paintbrush painting a lovely landscape.
Rose should have been ahead within 5 minutes as they came flying out of the traps. Tatts had already fired wide when he was stopped a certain goal by a fine goal line block. Idle enjoyed plenty of possession and played some neat triangles in their own half but never really threatened Scott’s goal. Neil and Scatch continued their impressive form at the back and repelled the attacks. Arran at left back had more concerns with the balls flying here, there and everywhere than the efforts of the Idle winger. Ste McD and Paul “Dan” Emmott were closing down well in the centre of the park. All in all it was a quiet first half. So quiet in fact that when Idle took the lead nobody seemed to notice. It was a good goal too. Picking the ball up 25 yards out the Idle midfielder whistled a shot low into the bottom right corner. Scott barely had time to lock and load, full metal jacket before the referee’s whistle peeped to signal a goal.
Rose continued to battle but were rocked by the goal. Paul went close with a looping shot which was turned over by the Idle keeper but half time came with Idle looking comfortable.
The Gaffer needed one of his speeches again. I didn’t hear a lot of it as I was sucking on an orange but I managed to scribble down this, “'The path of the Yorkshire Rose team is beset on all sides with the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men from Idle. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon those with great vengeance and with furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know that my name is David Sutton when I lay my vengeance upon thee” It was something like that anyway. Once again the emotion got too much for Dicky “Too Many Broken Hearts in the World” Machell and he was still sobbing as Rose equalised after the break. A long through ball found Tatts who did what he usually does and finished with aplomb. It was his last action of the game though as all that running had worn the poor lad out. The pedometer tucked into his sock claimed he had run 13 miles in 60 minutes. Roger Bannister would be turning in his grave at such claims. He was replaced by JT who moved into the centre of the park as Paul moved up front. Ste McD had meanwhile been replaced by Kris. Paul lined up alongside Andy Davey who had been causing all sorts of problems up there and deserved a goal for his efforts alone.
Meanwhile on the right wing PC Darren Machell was wrecking the pitch as she slipped and slided his Panda this way and that. Sirens blaring he even managed to distract Buttons enough for him to gag on his snooker ball in his mouth in the nearby house. Machell’s one man mission to eliminate West Yorkshire’s crime scene had received a boost that morning when he caught a teenage girl stealing some midget gems from a Yeadon newsagent. Repeatedly cracking her over the head with his truncheon the Spice Girl appears in court on Monday. “Nothing less than 30 years” says the bobby.
Rose looked the more likely to score with the copper stinging the keeper’s palms, Andy going close twice and Paul producing another fine save from the Idle keeper. At the other end the aforementioned Idle midfielder slammed another great shot which Scott was thankful to see cannon off the post and to safety.
Extra time it was and Idle took the lead with a carbon copy of their first goal. The midfielder picked up the ball and again arrowed a fine low shot into the bottom corner. Scott did dive this time but probably needn’t have bothered. It was a great strike.
That could have been that but in the second period more pressure from Rose saw the ball break to Paul whose shot bounced and bobbled it’s way in slow motion into the bottom right hand corner. The crowd went wild but it was no more than the team deserved after creating by far the best chances. The game ebbed and flowed to the end. Ben had replaced the hobbling Arran and with Scatch and Neil on top form there were no more goals. Jimmy got man of the match for some great defending though on another day he could have bagged two own goals. 2-2 after extra time. It was penalties.
PC Machell climbed out of his Panda to crack in the opener. “Oh Mandy, well you came and you gave without taking” Machell scored the second. Paul and Kris stroked in three and four. Scatch stuck one in as well. Unfortunately Idle had also scored their first five as well. It was sudden death. After a game like this Neil Guy wasn’t going to miss and he made it 6-5. The Idle keeper who had been way too confident for his own good elected to take the 6th Idle penalty. His firm shot was beaten away by Scott who was mobbed by his jubilant team mates. The most relieved man on the pitch was JT who was due to take the next penalty.
So Rose progress in another cup competition and remain unbeaten in all competitions. Next up is an away game at the Merlins of Moortown where no amount of wizardy is going to stop this juggernaut is it?
PC Machell and The Wolf’s recent investigations into the club shop arson attack as yielded results it seems. David Sutton was last night arrested on suspicion of causing the fire with a poorly discarded cigarette. PC Machell was flying Sutton to Guantamano Bay for “a chat”.
Buttons has asked that “you keep it down” when you’re collecting the balls from the garden. “She gets migraines and all this noise when we climb over the fence means I’m missing out on a shag. Our relationship is going downhill because of Tatt’s wayward shooting”
The Squad will be performing the Christmas single on Andy Davey’s Radio Rose Breakfast Show on Thursday this week. “The Lying Bitch and The Wardrobe” is a composition Buttons has put together. All monies raised from the sale of the single will go towards bail for David Sutton.
Neil Guy’s recent Pro-Celebrity Golf victory with Ronnie Corbett has seen them progress to the World Pro-Celebrity Tournament. They have been drawn against Swedish champions Hurdy Gurdy Henson and Tord Grip. Good Luck Neil!
There have been objections to Leeds City Council at the recent name change of our ground. “girlfriendoutallalonewanttoknockoneoutthenclickhere@micklefieldpark Stadium” has been deemed inappropriate by the Council. Consequently the home ground is now known as “willyoupleasecollectthefuckingbins@micklefieldpark Stadium”
Did you know…..that if you took your small intestine out and laid it out to measure it from end to end you would probably die.