Home cup match played on 31 October 2010.
Kicked off at 12:00 AM

On a brisk autumn morning Three Horseshoes, Keighley threatened to cause the biggest shock since Arthur Machell found a Megadeath album in Dicky’s CD Collection, but ultimately Guiseley Red Lion prevailed to progress to the quarter finals of the league cup. The 4-2 result hides the fact that at two apiece the game was very much in the balance.

Gaffer Sutton was able to pick from a squad only missing Smex who was shooting Gooks in Vietnam and Scott Norton who was watching a load of northerners bicker with each other. The Micklefield Park changing room was jammed therefore and there was barely enough room to get in Button’s Asda plastic kit bag.

The opposition were sporting a kit that could be described as salmon if you were being generous but pink if you weren’t. There were a few sniggers from the 23,134 fans but they began the game well knocking the ball around with confidence. Guiseley took their time to get going but had already gone close before a Button’s cross sparked Tatts’ pedometer into life and he netted from 2 yards, a slight increase in average yards distance he usually scores from.

The traffic was mainly one way with Tatts, Parrie and Buttons going close. At the other end Nellie Guy and Ste Mid kept things tight with little to trouble Graham in goal bar a few potshots.

Dicky Machell was struggling though and not because his 11th call to vote in X-Factor hadn’t got through. His calf was playing up and no amount of Deep Heat applied by JT was going to fix it. Consequently at half time he was replaced by Brannie who was feeling surprisingly good after catching crabs in a recent trip to Scarborough. Dicky had not been this sad since the DJ refused to play “Flying Without Wings” at Darren’s wedding.

Speaking of which PC Machell had yet to make his mark on the game. However, Parrie won a free kick on the edge of the box and almost inevitably West Yorkshire’s busiest copper curled it majestically into the top corner. Unlike the Yeadon Vets game where he hadn’t hit something so hard since the Bradford riots in 2001 this goal was a much more cultured effort.

The crowd settled back expecting a comfortable victory but the opposition soon scotched that idea when the centre forward smashed an unstoppable shot past Graham which frankly he didn’t need to bother to dive for.

Gaffer Sutton went paler than Dracula’s feet when the equaliser came. It was a fortunate goal when a cross evaded everyone and rolled in. It was the biggest slice of luck since Dicky Machell received change for a twenty when he’d only handed over a tenner at Woolworths for the Roxette album. Three Horseshoes were threatening to cause the biggest surprise since Dicky found a hidden track on the Steps album.

However, normal service was resumed when a long ball from Nellie found Brannie. The Horseshoes fullback must have been sick of the sight of flowing locks wingers with Dicky in the first half and Brannie in the second. Brannie had no time to discuss L’Oreal though as he burned past him, advanced on goal and coolly slotted in.

The game effectively ended a few minutes later when Ste Mid advanced undeterred through the opposition defence. You could see his normally implacable confidence evaporate as he bore down on goal but he did the sensible thing and squared it to Buttons who bundled in his fifth goal of the season – all of them mishits.

Credit due to Three Horseshoes – they continued to play and on another day might have got something from the game. Davlin might have given them another goal when he decided to play an impromptu game of keepy uppy in his own 6 yard box.

As it was the game closed at 4-2. The draw on Sky Sports 2 later that evening pitted Red Lion against co-habiting Westfield. If that game doesn’t go well then we could see the biggest punch up since Dicky Machell took exception to David Machell’s suggestion that Stephen Gateley was a bit camp.  

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