Home league match played on 04 October 2009.
Kicked off at 12:00 AM

A nervy 5-3 home victory for Yorkshire Rose was marred when home supporters invaded the JCT600 Away End and scuffling ensued. The referee had to stop the game for 10 minutes while mounted police entered the playing area to restore order. The game was allowed to continue but an ugly atmosphere hung over the game and the Wheatley fans were kept inside the stadium 30 minutes after the game had finished.

It all overshadowed an entertaining game with the visitors probably feeling hard done by leaving Micklefield with no points. However, the difference between the sides was Kristian Tattersfield who decided to turn up at the weekend rather than staying in bed and watch re-runs of The Waltons. Tatts scored a fine hat-trick and proved a thorn in the Wheatley defence throughout the game. He walked away with 3 goals, 3 assists and the Man of the Match award of a romantic meal for 2 at Murgatroyds. He’s taking Ben Sutton apparently.

The game had began with Wheatley on the front foot and putting the Rose defence under serious pressure. Phil Rhodes, showing no shame in the same tight fitting shorts he had worn the previous week had already been called into action before he was beaten when a simple cross was turned in from 6 yards. It was no more than the visitors deserved but it woke Rose up.

Steve McD, wearing a knee brace big enough to house a whole family of knees and Scatch started putting some tackles into the Wheatley midfielder sporting a haircut as disastrous as Phil’s shorts. Arran and Jimmy started closing down the wingers and soon Rose got a grip on the game. A long ball over the top saw Tatts outpace the last man and get hauled down in the box. A definite penalty but surprisingly no card for the defender. PC Darren Machell fresh from an undercover stint in a Wortley brothel took the kick and slammed home the equaliser.

The next goal came from another long ball which Tatts slipped round the keeper to roll in a well taken second.

A half time lead was therefore duly established but the Gaffer wasn’t happy. He’d already piled through a packet of cigarettes, neglected his linesman duties and lost a bet to JT so the team got the full force of his anger at half time. Even Smex who had witnessed a particularly bad grilling against The Flyover Hotspurs in 1971 arched an eyebrow in mild shock.

Sadly, the effect was for Wheatley to equalise right from the restart when a free kick  was swung in to be headed home by an unmarked centre forward. It was game on.

Davlin took, what looked like a knock to the bollocks but he claimed was an ankle injury and was replaced by Neil who had not this week come straight from an all night rave. Smex took a nasty knock as well and suddenly Rose looked nervy. Arran and Jimmy provided good cover at the back as Scatch and Darren came back to help out.

A quick counter by Rose should have seen them regain the lead when a cutback to Andy Davey should have seen the ball burst the net but instead was crashed wide. It was a miss as bad as that hat he was wearing the other week. It didn’t prove to be decisive though as Andy soon wriggled his way through again and forced a parry from the keeper but only as far as Tatts who couldn’t miss. Dicky Machell fresh from guiding a 757 into Yeadon International Airport  that morning joined the fray in place of Ste McD and soon got himself into the referee’s notebook. The referee wasn’t happy with Simon Cowell’s decision on X Factor from the previous night much to the disgust of Dicky who promptly spat at his feet and told him to “watch fvcking Fame Academy instead pal”. He was lucky to only see yellow.

Meanwhile Rose gave themselves breathing space when Tatts was again felled by the last man. Another penalty but surprisingly no card from the referee who seemed to think a Reality TV disagreement merited more of a card than a blatant scythe from a desperate centre half. As it was Tatts who had missed a penalty the previous week showed no sign of nerves to bray in his third and send the 28,764 crowd delirious.

That should have been that but Wheatley to their credit didn’t give up. A scramble in the box saw Jimmy fell an opponent and a third penalty was given. Phil did his best to distract the taker by trying to do some bizarre splits. Was he hoping his uber tight shorts would fly off into the taker’s face? I don’t know but the slightly scared forward coolly rolled the ball past Phil and his shorts into a net which had not been securely fastened by JT despite 2 attempts.

Amazingly it could have been 4-4 when the Wheatley midfielder who might have been taken more seriously if he hadn’t had such a daft haircut hit a screamer that crashed off the Rose crossbar. It was a great effort that probably deserved a goal. The goalposts hadn’t shook so much at Micklefield since Davlin lost his virginity with that dirty bird from 4C back when he was 16.

Rose regained some composure though when the irrepressible Tatts hit a cross shot which hit Button’s standing leg to deflect in….OK it was neat flick in. However, Button’s celebration of grabbing his crotch and mouthing obscenities at the away fans led to the crowd trouble and the temporary halt of the match. Surprisingly the referee didn’t book Buttons but instead was involved in another heated discussion with Dicky claiming that he preferred Sharon Osbourne to Cheryl Cole.

It was probably the least effective performance of the season by Rose and things will have to improve for next week’s game against the mysterious sounding Moortown Merlins.


Other News


All ticket for next week’s game at Moortown Merlins have been sold out. A limited number of tickets are available on the gate on receipt of a Vengaboys Album and a thong.


The Yorkshire Rose Single “Buttons & Suttons and All That Jazz” is available from the Club Shop for £2.99. All proceeds go to a new alarm clock for Tatts.


Kris Sutton was stopped in the street by a reporter from the Yorkshire Rose Gazette who asked if he was going to cut down on his text messages and emails. “When hell freezes over” was the response from Kris as he walked into the Internet Café.


Phil Rhodes has a spare ticket for “The Nutcracker” if anyone is interested. Please call him on 0113 333 333 333 333 333 8.


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