***Death Strike Despair***
Seamer Dynamo - 1 - Dawson
Goal Sports Giants - 1 - Le'Friett
Dynamo won 3-1 on Death Strikes.
The Eyres Scaffolding MOM – Brad Parkin Pictured)
The Everley Fan Of The Match – Ben Mason (Pictured)
Attendance - 33
Report by Randy Bloomshield, Scarborough News Of The World
It was a day of penalty disappointment and despair for the Goal Sports Giants boys as they somehow managed to end up on the losing team after the 90 minutes (which is 5400 seconds if you were wondering) and 12 yard death strike heroics.
In all football clubs, competitions and of course Mcdonalds adverts there are penalty misfits and today - Tyson Stubbings, Kieran Le’Friett and Dan Pollard all joined the long and illustrious list containing Gareth Southgate and Stuart Pearce amongst other legends.
The Giants squad now boasts no fewer than 7 members who have missed their 12 yard insertion attempt this season, as today’s boys join Player Coach Plumpton (Romanby), Phil Hill (Westover Wasps), Parkin (Roscoes) and Prentice (Multi misser).
The Rudston based clubs just cannot handle the pressure when the going gets tough….
The 90 minutes itself was a game in which the away side, and everyone’s favourite purple uniformed soccer club dominated, as they saw 7 golden opportunities come and go via a mixture of indifferent finishing, bad luck and goal line clearances!
Team baldy Mike Greymar was the first purple to come close as he fired a 20 yard effort off the overhead white beam and back in to the goal tenders arms on 27 minutes.
The away side were playing like the home side as they pushed on with brim fire and gusto looking to open the scoring and stain the Seamer Dynamo Soccer Franchise’s incredibly clean sheet.
The youthful Driffielders were tearing it up on the soccer field as new boy Ashley Cole, or so he calls himself, was running riot down the left hand side. His Seamer opponent punching the floor and crying “if he skins me one more time I’m gunna snap him” mid-way through the first quarter. (He never got near him).
Greymar was having about as much luck as a 5 year old attempting to do shoe laces for the first time with his mouth, as his latest strike on 34 mins, from 14 yards came back off the upright white beam, and caused what could be the most controversial moment of the game.
Goal Sport’s Joe Allen – Dan Pollard, was on to the rebound like a tramp on a falling chip and he net tucked to the short lived celebrations from the Giants fans and especially fiancé Poppy, who was wearing a “Go Joe Go” t-shirt in the crowd.
Pollard couldn’t believe it as he remonstrated with the whistle lord. There was no way the flag erection should have been erected as he seemed the right side of the Dynamo back door – but the lord of the whistle was having none of it. The erection stood and the game remained at nils.
It was that man “Joe Allen” who was at it again, as the hobo look-alike found himself with more space than an ex Sunderland footballer in a school playground when playing kiss chase, but once again he was foiled, this time by the Dynamo goal denyer as he made short work of his powderpuff goalshot attempt from 20.
First Quarter – Neil v Neil
Numerous “tackles” came in from all angles by the home side as they failed to get to grips with the Rudston based clubs flowing soccer from back to front. Whistle Lord Jack Fewster was doing a great job keeping the game in line as he flashed numerous minor felony cards to the crazed loonies who were getting mighty upset and frustrated as they found themselves slower and with less fitness than their opponents.
It was the home side that went close for the first time on 62 minutes, as Pwilly fumbled a cross-cum-shot from a 25 yard felony strike, but our goal denying hero more than made up for it as he gathered in the reebies and finally got his PE kit dirty.
After a quiet spell in the game for the Giants, mainly due to the ball being played in the sky rather than on the near perfect grass turf, the away side went close again - Pollard again!
A sumptuous through ball by Plumpton found its way to midfield partner Pollard deep in the 18 yard danger zone, and Pollard fired, hoping for success, surely this would be the opener – when suddenly like Randy Orton outta nowhere a Seamer baddy clawed the ball off the line, again to Pollard’s claims it had been a goal and gone over.
Everybody knows the rules. “If soccer ball is not inserted to touch the net – no goal” and this was indeed the case as the Whistle Lord held firm with said whistle and pointing action.
Marauding Neil Prentice, today’s emergency right back, was bringing back memories of ex Leeds United full back Danny Mills in the 00/01 Champions League Semi Final, and he somehow managed to miss his goal shot on the stretch from a Tyson Stubbings cross when it seemed harder to miss from 2.7 yards.
Both soccer franchises were really going for it, with a whole bunch of home fans expecting their boys to go on and win the tie against their much lower ranked Super League opponents, and it was those fans who found a warm glow in their bellies as they saw their heroes insert for the first time in the game.
Midfield hard man Matty Dawson found himself with time and space 35 yards out as he unleashed what can only be described as an absolutely worldy, fantastic, fabulous, quite unbelievable – hit and hope – right over Pwilly’s head and stain his sheet.
The home side, again unlike our unnamed Giant recently, had their tails up and were thirsty for more but they couldn’t do anything about the fast barca-esque tikka takka build up play that brought the score back to ones with only 8 minutes to go.
Plumpton found a friend, who returned with epic first touch tekkers, the “in his prime” midfielder beat the defender on the edge of the danger zone with ‘pua scoop turn tekkers, and showed more coolness than Neil Prentice with a new snapback and chain as he found Pollard on 15 yards, Pollard pulled out the heel kick to Le’Friett, and the Frenchman kicked it real good to fire in the equalisation strike. What a goal!
Greymar went close shortly after as again another Seamer defender cleared off the line and that indeed was that for the 90.
It would be deathstrikes to decide it and Pwilly knew that if he could stop the Dynamo from inserting, and his boys could kick it better than the baddies – they would be through to the next round and have to travel bloody miles to Loftus.
What happened next was a true disgrace to football and we would like to offer a full match refund to any paying fans, including any merchandise, drinks or food that were purchased at the soccer dome.
1 - Usual cool death strike taker Stubbings passed his to the keeper first,
2 - Le’Friett was distracted by a 4 leaf clover in his eye line near the penalty spot and he fired wide. Susan Boyle wide.
3 - Death strike expert Seaside Tommy Wilde - inserted, as he so often does when required, in and out of the bedroom.
4 - Then Dan Pollard, who had come closer than most during the 90 produced the worst goal tuck attempt ever as his beard wafted in front of his eyes during the run up and put him off meaning he too kicked it straight at the keeper.
The dream was over for another year in the FA Cup, which thankfully means the Giants can crack on with some much bigger fish, and none bigger than the Commercial Crabs in the Frank White World Series next week! Are Crabs even a fish? Who knows, who cares? Let’s get it on!
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