Another game, another week, and for possibly the first time this term the Reservoir Badgers had some positives to draw from a previous fixture. The second half of the second game of last week (the 4-2 loss to 8th Battalion) had shown some real advances in the Badgers’ gameplay, with at least 4 passes being strung together on more than one occasion and, most remarkably, no goals conceded in the last 15 minutes. Naturally the team were on a high, with the Joe Panteli stand reaching full capacity and the turnstiles being a complete mess as a fan literally swamped the bewildered patrol of riot police, who immediately proceeded to ‘kettle’ (a tactic used because of its supreme success records with the recent student protests, and, of course, because this is Sussex and everyone’s a dirty Bolshevik) the boisterous pack of fan, and also fired a rather unnecessary amount of tear gas, which at least gave the pitch a misty, ominous look. The team were also buoyed by the breaking news that 1/3 manager and talismanic striker Ben ‘Lethal Weapon’ Wheatland was hurriedly making his way over from Hove for the Kick off to organise the team and lead them to a long awaited victory. Unfortunately no-one had told 1/3 manager Josh ‘Pretty Woman’ Staniforth that Wheatland was coming, so had arranged the emergency loan signings of a few extra players while panicking about the team turn out due to his own slightly performance compromising condition of loss of leg, and also of Bobby ‘Saturday Night Fever’ Radebe’s Ithinkiamrunninglate-neosis; a new condition that Radebe seemed to have been plagued with all season. We wish him and his family all the best in this dark time. In this state of panic, the Badgers sought the expertise of Joe ‘Ace Ventura; Pet Detective’ Boswell and Owain ‘Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines’ Bower. They also managed to capture the signature of Sonny ‘There and back again; A Hobbit’s Tale by Bilbo Baggins’ Dhesi on a free transfer, which should possibly be regarded as one of the best underhanded illegal dealings which didn’t happen of the season; a notion seconded by Hamberger. This mix up of numbers gave the Badgers a record 9 players, and spirits were high as the team lined up with Boswell in goal, Rob ‘Rocky IV’ Weeks playing at sweeper, Charlie ‘Babe’ Carter, Tony ‘Forest Gump’ Breslin and Sonny ‘Happy Feet’ Dhesi in Midfield, and Sam ‘March of the Penguins’ Hamberger in an experimental role leading the line.
The optimism lasted all of 3 minutes as Team Waste; the Second Coming got themselves into gear by not simply beating the Badgers, but set about thoroughly abusing them. The first goal came from a mistake from Carter; while under pressure from the entire Waste team, and with the tear gas residue in the air causing tears of pain to plop down his face like plum sized rain drops, he lost the ball and the Waste striker slotted it in the bottom corner. The Reservoir Badgers, who never let just one goal affect their confidence, got straight back up and went on the attack, only for a long range effort from the opposition to sneak underneath Boswell’s flailing foot and nestle itself in the back of the net. The team may have let this get to them, (certainly Boswell’s admission of ‘Lads, I’m still drunk, does anyone else want to go in goal?’ didn’t do much for confidence) and despite some bone breaking tackles from Weeks and some fantastic all round football skills from Sonny ‘Fern Gully’ Dhesi, serenaded by Hamberger’s cries of ‘He’s amazing! Just look at that touch! Aaaahhh!’ the Badgers conceded another 3 goals. In the last few minutes of the half, talismanic striker Ben ‘The Godfather’ Wheatland was through on goal, but thought it best to play it safe and kick the ball out for a throw-in, a tactical move that has become a cornerstone of Badgery tactics and was applauded by fans and players alike.
Half time brought out the raw emotions of this team of 6 a side veterans. Opinions were laid down and great offence was taken, eventually erupting in an all-out brawl as the strain of what seemed to be yet another defeat was taking its toll. Breslin attempted to re-organise the team with an energetic team talk, but he just couldn’t make himself heard amongst the sound of teeth and bones breaking through badgery flesh. The second half began with the Badgers bringing on Matt ‘I was gonna do my essay, but then I got high’ Clark and Owain ‘All quiet on the Western Front’ Bower, with the idea that fresh legs would equal goals. They did, but at the wrong end. Despite their best efforts, and to the calls of ‘Get ‘em on the carousel boys!’ from Staniforth, the team began to tire and Waste, who, to be honest, aren’t top of the table by mistake, took advantage of their tiring opponents and scored a couple more goals. As the half wore on, the Panteli stand began to empty as what started out as a beating turned into a racially motivated assault. Team Waste passed the ball between them like it was a drunk girl at a party, and the Badgers just couldn’t get a grip on the game. Sonny ‘Who Sam wants to be when he grows up’ Dhesi came back on and attempted to get a few moves going, but the Badgers surging attacks only left them vulnerable at the back and despite Boswell pulling off some impressive saves, he spent the second half performing a tiring routine of readying, diving, and then picking the ball out of his own net. Matt Clark took the game into his own hands by man marking the opposing winger out of the game, but unfortunately this still left 5 of their players free, which was more than enough to achieve a ‘critical hit’. Wheatland then tried to capture some of their players, who were lying in the long grass trying to get round the back of the Badger’s defence, through the use of the now banned ‘Pokeball’, but his only resulted in a lot of broken Pokeballs and Badger hearts.
The Badgers were relieved to hear the final whistle, as it’s at this point in the game that their ability to stop conceding goals improves dramatically. The manner of the defeat was shown by the opposition Captain. Josh ‘Pride and Prejudice’ Staniforth had lost track of the score due to his attempted fixing of his much loved carousel, which had been taken down, pulled apart and burnt down for scrap by Team Waste, and upon asking the opposition captain what the final score was he received the reply; ‘Erm…with all respect…I lost count.’ The teams agreed that 10ish was about a fair portrayal, which leaves the Badgers with one game left having no wins, scoring 6 goals and conceding 34. The only light at the end of the collapsed and suffocating tunnel was the fact that in the Monday league, there was a team who hadn’t scored any.
But that’s the good thing about being a Badger. There are always positives. To next week!!!
Guest Match Reporter: Josh Staniforth
