Away league match played on 03 October 2016.
Kicked off at 7:00 PM

My first match report referenced The Prestige, my second Jurassic Park, will this week's contain another film reference? No. Why? BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH.

So the game then, and after last week's horror show things couldn't get any worse. Except they did. The Revs were sluggish, couldn't do the basics and started arguing among themselves. Defensively we were poor and resorted to lumping it forward, up top we just didn't make things happen at all. No excuses, no one emerged with any credit.

Now the details, the Revs had a good squad again only missing Olly in goal (thinks holidays are more important than professional football), Phil Marshall (long term knee-knack) and Jamie Allen (still at the longest BBQ of all time).

The first goal game from a mishit shot from Evans screwing wide to Hartrick, who hit a shot the goalkeeper should have saved at his near post but fumbled in. Lucky and a lead we didn't deserve. They scored a stupid goal, a long ball we let bounce and a chip over Matty by a player just happy to get something on it rather than actually trying to be cheeky. 1-1 at halftime, bickering all over the shop, not good.

The second half started, they took the lead and heads were down. The passing was poor, no one wanted to get on the ball and a late equaliser came from a toe-poke from Hartrick after good work from Gaz. We did not deserve the point but we'll take her. Matty made some vital stops to keep us in it, we played in moments but overall this was very much Speed 2: Cruise Control. Every player is better than they showed and they knew it, the walk back to the car very much a trudge rather than a jog.

So anyway, back in 1998 I played in a football tournament in Wales. We used it as an excuse to have a little jolly boys outing and hired a coach to go over on the Saturday, have a few sleeves and then play on the Sunday. Despite the hangover we won comfortably, and the journey home began.

So a few were knackered and had a little sleep, one lad slept with his eyes open which freaked us out, the rest of us drank bottles of Bud and had a giggle. Anyway, we pull into this service station for a piss and a bag of crisps, and me and Jonny spot this lad by the magazines.

We're watching him, he's quite a young lad and he's clearly looking at the bongo mags on the top shelf. He reaches up to get one but then bottles it, styling it out by turning it into a sweep of his hair. Then he does it again and me and Jonny are now here for the long haul as we're fascinated - would he get one or would his arse fall out, this was bigger suspense-wise than Ross and Rachel getting together.

So a couple more aborted tries turned into hair sweeps, another turned into a little spin round to check the crisps again and finally we know he's ready for the bombing run, targeting switched off and trusting in the force to guide him. He steels himself, turns and looks at the jazz shelf for the decisive time. He settles on one and reaches up positively and confidently, this was his moment, he was buying porn and no one could stop him.

Me and Jonny watched on ready to give him a well-done-lad-nod, you wanted it, you got it. Then it happened.

The shelf had one of those protective plastic shields at the front to protect young eyes from seeing the front covers. His chosen magazine was a bit stuck, wedged in, so he had to give it a tug (not a euphemism). As he pulled at it the lipped shield came with his mag and fell forward, bringing with it a sea of bongo crashing down around his feet, every single magazine on the shelf a goner. He was left holding his fizz mag while around him an ocean of filth looked back, everyone in the shop now staring at him. Worse still, most of the magazines were sealed in plastic carrier bags so it was just front covers or back page posters winking at him, but two weren't sealed and had fallen open, both displaying part of a woman you rarely see. He looked up and before he got the chance to say anything to the audience now looking at him, me and Jonny had to leave because we were laughing an amount that can make you shit if you're not careful.

Why am I telling you this? Three reasons.

1. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen

2. It's better than just writing we were rubbish for the entire report

3. To show you that no matter how bad we were last night, there's always someone who's had a worse day.

So onwards and upwards, no point dwelling on it, we all need to raise our game, stop bickering and play with a smile again. Roll on next Monday.

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