After the opening weekends 1-1 SHOCKA against Rhein, Arsene Hedges held up rush hour traffic on the Runkers bridge as he contemplated the end of his 21 year tenure!! But today at their new arena the Economistas rose like a phoenix from the ashes to produce a performance that had the Gaffa purring at the ticki-tacka football of his gladiatorial charges!
Hedges unveiled his marquee signing Adam Van Nistelrooy at the heart of defence and he put on a silky Rolls Royce display suggestively stroking the ball out from the back to leave the fans wanting more. The 5 man midfield passed the ball in triangles, pentagons and dodecahedrons to bamboozle the opposition for the first 25 minutes. Michael Lurkio Din was running amok down the right wing and this resulted in a beautiful one two with Harrison to score his first of the afternoon. But disaster struck as Hedges felt a twinge in his prosthetic knee and was forced off. This led to an enforced change of formation to 4-4-2 and the wheels began to come off for the Business! Two world class goals from the Roman Catholic Clergyman led to a half time scoreline of BUSINESS 1 - CARDINALS 3!!
At half time Hedges reverted back to 5-4-1 and brought on his Captain to replace Grant Holt. Callum Arbuckle Gunther turned up late after fleecing Elsie a lovable nan oot of her life savings for fixing a plug. He went straight into the fray and formed an immediate bond with the Ruud Boy in defence. At right back Calamity McLean was heving an uncharacteristic blinder and ran the width of the pitch to save a certain goal with a perfectly timed challenge. Meanwhile Stavros Flatley at left back looked like a born again athlete after losing 14 pounds in 7 days due to a tapeworm contracted from 100% British Beef!! Karloff, Harrison and Farrell began chasing and harrying the Cardinals midfield winning tackle after tackle. Harrison then unleashed a 30 yard looper to leave the Cardinals keeper helpless as a kitten left hungry by a mans lactose free nipple!!! BUSINESS 2 - CARDINALS 3. Then disaster struck as the Popes emissaries increased their lead again as Wallace was sparked out by a ball to the face! “Oy-yoy-yoy!” But the Business never know when to lie down and fought back in a thrilling final 15 as Stavros drilled home a third! The Ecumenical missionaries were on the ropes. Gunther hit the pass of the game the length of the pitch to put Din away only for the ref to call him offside!! FINAL SCORE BUSINESS 3 - SATANS DISCIPLES 5!!!
ADAM VAN NISTELROOY TO CONSIDER HIS FUTURE AFTER WITNESSING THE DEVIANT POST MATCH BEHAVIOUR OF THE KIRBY HOLY TRINITY!!!! HEDGES ADMITS TO HAVING A TICKLE IN HIS ANUS BUT DENIES RUMOURS OF A BURROWING GERBIL!!! STAVROS FLATLEY LARKIN ADMITTED INTO THE ROYAL AFTER SPIKING HIS JOHN THOMAS WITH SHARPENED TWIG!!! CALLUM ARBUCKLE GUNTHER REPORTED TO RSPCA FOR RUNNING DOWN ESCAPED CIRCUS ELEPHANT TOPSY!!!
MANAGERS FILM OF THE WEEK - DUNKIRK !! A time shifting epic of mans inbuilt determination to survive against all the odds!! Best watched with the power of IMAX!!