After six months without a game, the fans of the Reservoir Badgers were getting restless. Bottles were thrown, players cars were keyed, and there was an unfortunate hostage situation surrounding Sam Hamberger's parents which was only solved after the army was called in.
But after all this, the Reservoir Badgers returned.
A summer of upheavel saw many regular and beloved Badgers depart. The Holy Management Triumvirate, so noble in their desire and passion, were ripped apart. Tony Breslin and Josh Staniforth will always be remembered for the jobs they did, and in a short ceremony before the game, a statue of the two was unveiled outside The Badger Set. Threatening to be overlooked on this momentous occasion, a small plaque was screwed haphazardly to the back of the changing room door, which commemorated the departure of long standing goalkeeper Matt Clark. After years of abusive love from the Badgers faithful (and management), one final insult was dealt to Clark, as it transpired that his name was spelt wrong on the plaque.
After the pomp of the pre-match ceremony, the new look Badgers team assembled on the pitch to begin warming up, so that the Manager (Ben Wheatland) could run his eyes over his new squad. A whole host of new Badgers had been drafted in to cover for the outgoing squad, and no fewer than 11 players attended the game, meaning that (not for the first time) the substitutes outnumbered the fans. 11 players is also the joint highest attendance from any Badgers squad. Looking on from the sidelines as his team repeatedly failed to test stand in keeper Pedro Salgado (from now until the end of time, referred to as Pedro Badger), Wheatland was heard to mutter that this group of players were special. Ben Himpe in particular impressed, with many observers likening him to former club legend Simon Lofving.
With such riches in depth and talent to choose from, Wheatland decided to bench Himpe, as well as other promising young Badgers, chosing a team full of old Badgers, just to ease everyone back into the rough and tumble nature of Badgers league football. Immeditatley it was clear that this was an idea fraught with danger. With not a single minute of football under their belts, the Badgers opened the game shakily, with the New Generation seeing a lot of time on the ball. The first new player to make his comptetitive debut this season was Jack "I'll never play again, because I want to learn!" Lloyd. Pedro Badger, playing in goal, and also making his debut, was shocked by what he saw: "I can see my breath when I breathe! In Brazil, this never happens!". However, Pedro Badger was able to shake off his moisture related wonderment to pull a magnificent save out of the top draw within the first minute. Despite Pedro's Badger Romance, the Badgers didn't really kick into gear until longstanding mental patient and occasional footballer Sam Hamberger decided that a New Generation forward was too good a player, and proceeded to beat him up, somehow winning the ball in the process. As the small NewGen forward tumbled from on high, where Hamberger had sent his tiny body, he was heard to utter a phrase similar to "他媽的". 他媽的 indeed, as it spurred the Badgers on to new levels of dominance not seen for many games.
Halfway through the first half, Belsh international Ben Himpe was introduced, along with defenders George Tomlin and Tom Marshall. Alex Hill (the team's only ginger) also joined the game at this time, and the influx of new talent on to the pitch had a marked effect on the Badger's performance. Passes, for so long a Badger weakness, were being completed, headers were being won, and banter was being had. Older Badgers were reminded of the glory days of a year before, when the golden generation of Badgers stormed to the league title. Could it happen again? The great feeling of building a legendary team was all too much for Lloyd, who asked to be substituted before the emotions overcame him entirely. As Wheatland replaced him, Lloyd snuck away briefly to a corner to wipe the tears from his eyes and compose himself, but the raw emotion was just too much, and he had to be calmed down by Artem Jankowskij, who slapped him hard around the face, before offering him some goulash. Warmed by this sobering treat, Lloyd settled down to watch, as Wheatland blundered around the NewGen defence. Special mention goes to Tomlin, who proved himself a real Badger in the Sam Hamberger mould, as he too took it upon himself to plant his fists, feet, knees and general body into the space that a NewGen player occupied. Physics does not allow two people to occupy the same space, and as Tomlin was so forceful in his efforts (later described by Tomlin as a tackle, but by a court of law as "Assault") the NewGen player flew fully 500 yards, before coming to a stop.
Halftime saw Wheatland finally able to make a team talk without interruptions (LOVE YOU TONY!), and he sent the Badgers out in search of a goal that would almost certainly open the floogates. It took until the 20th minute for the breakthrough to occur. Belsh international Ben Himpe played a sublime through ball to Ben Wheatland, whose hamhanded attempt at controlling the ball fell kindly to Cameron Stuart. Stuart calmly slotted the ball home, and with the Badgers' first goal of the campaign came promises of Stuart's bonus, a Bovril covered Salmon. Spurred on by this moral boosting goal, marauding defender Tom Marshall doubled the Badgers' advantage 5 minutes later. Wheatland's quick throw in found Marshall's run perfectly, and Marshall's powerful finish effectively killed off the game. As with many debut Badger goalscorers, Marshall failed to adequately celebrate his goal. One hopes that in the coming weeks, when goals have dried up and the only thing warming the hearts of the despondent Badgers are the freezing tears of a Banshee's step-mum, that Marshall will not regret his lack of celebration too much.
Following this goal, the Badgers set up shop in the NewGen half. Pedro Badger showed glimpses of quality in his ball control, with the Badgers defence using him as an outlet for many attacking plays. Alex Hill also impressed, first setting Wheatland up for a chance that he hit wide, before cutting onto his left foot and setting up Cameron Stuart who should have doubled his tally, and his Salmon. Wheatland's finishing was wayward all afternoon, and his game was summed up by a comical effort wherein he actually managed to knee a cross into the ground, rather than take his time, score, and go wild. Typical...
Will Downs and Artem Jankowskij were happy to let their new team mates take the headlines on this occasion, but were vital in the Badgery success. Jankowskij's trademark hastling was on full display, (as was his trademark finishing..) and Downs was reliable, dependable, and lots of other wods that end in that ibble sound, playing with confidence out from the back.
At the final whistle, jubliation reigned. Tears were shed, joy was joyed. Immediately thoughts turned to the league title, and with such a dominant display, and with a squad literlly bursting with talent, that is not beyond this very special group of TB-ridden rodents.
