The Badgers arrived at the ground, shaking their pelts to dry themselves, but still in great spirits: If they won today and other results went in their favour, qualification for the knockout stages could be achieved! Early signs were that the Badgery Gods were dribbling uncontrollably down upon The Badgers, as eight of the ten man squad turned out in force, desperate to carve their names into the Reservoir Badgers "Badger Set of Fame" Shield. (No shield exists. Any similarities between shields mentioned here and those in existance are purely coincidental).
Even more good news broke moments later, as it transpired that Steven Hawkings Football Boots didn't show up to their game, incurring a 3-0 defeat. This meant that with a 6-0 demoliton, Reservoir Badgers could leap (if, indeed, Badgers can leap) to second in the table, and automatic qualification to the knockout stages. It seems that the tactical move of sacrificing a dozen field mice on an alter to the Badger Gods, a tactical gamble if ever there was one, was paying off.
Then disaster struck. Teenage Mutant Ninja Merkels didn't turn up. Fans were distraught, their dreams of a cup-run potentially dashed. Players littered the pitch; some hardly able to spread TB in that way that only Badgers can.
At this point it seems suitable to describe events as they almost certainly would have transpired:
A shaky start would almost certainly have seen TMNM piling on the pressure. Shots would be shot, passed would be passed and corners would be cornered. However in the seventh minute, Ben "Maravilla" Wheatland would soar and win a header from Matt "Steve Mandanda" Clark's monstrous goal kick. Pausing only momentarily to bemoan his lack of support, Wheatland would then charge onto his own knock-on, before blasting a weak effort into the opposing 'keepers hand. Then, as The Badgers turned to regroup whilst muttering sinisterly about their striker's effort, the TMNM keeper would inevitably attempt to smash the ball upfield, but in a spectacular turn of events, the ball would hit Wheatland's posterior and rocket into the top corner, giving The Badgers a 1-0 lead.
Only minutes (6 to be precise) later, brilliance would once again rear its ugly, ugly head! Paul "Mascio" Field acrobatically backheeled the ball to Sam "Kenny Otigba" Hamberger on the half-way line. With the ball 12ft in the air, noone in the world, save a supremely optimistic Badgers fan who was taking morphene, would have expected what was to come. Sam sprung into action, soaring upwards towards the ball, where he expertly smashed it towards goal. The ball spun in the air, performing an extravagent loop-de-loop before bouncing tamely over the line. Fans cheered, wow-ed by how the goals The Badgers scored continued to get even more brilliant.
The midfield duo of Paddy "Denys Omelchenko" Bolton and Charlie "Javi Martinez" Carter battled brave and hard. It seemed as if playing nobody was opposing them as the bombed up and down the wings.
Soon The Badgers would (perhaps) entend their lead. As late (maybe) as the 29th minute, Josh "Manny Panther" Staniforth collected the ball from Clark before feeding the ball at knee level to Tony "Rafael Van der Vaart" Breslin. Breslin launched himself towards the ball, taking Joe "Alaor" Panteli entirely by surprise. Breslin connected with the ball with an epic diving header from the edge of his own penalty box. The ball fired like a cannon into the top corner of the net, and then the (theoretical) whistle went.
Unfortunately, Teenage Mutant Ninja Merkels didn't turn up.
Ah well. News is expected soon on who qualified for the knockout stages. All will soon be revealed.
The Badgers wait on with baited breath, and many snarls of anxiety.
