Home league match played on 17 May 2009.
Kicked off at 12:00 AM

Event: Marauders Poker Night

Venue: Ngaio Govind Grove

Start time: 7pm

Attendees: Jono Wyeth, Adam Wilson, Chris Bolton, Aaron Sweet, Grant Davies, Mark Anderson, David Anderson and myself (Nathan Wooding).

Non- Attendees: Andrew Beaumont, Matt Hurley, Michael Dempster, Will Pinkney.


The night began with Jono, Wilson and I preparing for our first team poker night. The trio geared up for this by making room in the fridge, setting out the table layout with individual place names and cheesy slogans (thanks Jono), decked the basins with a flurry of ice for the beers to chill nicely and prepared the nibbles.


Jono (the wall)

Bolts (Usain)

Wilson (big ears, big bum)

Dribble (blah blah blah, shut-up Wilson)

Lamo (where’s your mo?)

Casper (something about death)

Mark (number 1 twin)

Davey (number 2 twin)


The night itself, an event which only prerequisites were a cheeky tenner, a dozen of the player’s choice brewed beer from their own province, their favourite football jersey and their own attendance. This event was eagerly awaited with anticipation after being set in stone the week before. The probable and possible reasons why the non-attendees, lack of attendance, were heavily debated and most of the lame excuses were deemed poor form, however, the 8 members who did attend the event made what would prove to be an entertaining night.


The attendees were all present and correct come the slightly debatable 7pm start time. The highlight of the prematch was awaiting the arrival of Mark and Davey and hoping of seeing the twinset arriving after 7 and being designated to consume bevies in the famously late “tiny tippies” vessels as a consequence. However, with a close call the genetic multiples managed to embark the venue at approximately 6:58pm.


To the game, the two hosts were to state a rule re the dealing of the cards after all parties involved debated who should deal and how long for. Big ears pushed for the 1st player out to be the dealer for the remainder of the night, which wasn’t the preferred option of any of the attendees, so with the decision resting on my shoulders it was decided the 2nd player out would maintain the dealing duty and forming a consecutive changeover process with the 3rd, 4th and 5th ect players to leave the game.


The vessels rolled round and were presented in various forms and from various parts of both the hemispheres. Each member was given a shot of the specialist brewed amber of different origins in a beer tasting freefall. A strong English contingent led to members being treated to a number of Pale Ales and lagers, as well as a few ambers that are prevalent at our former local aftermath location the Southern Cross.


The collection and taster included distinct hops tasting and aromas from a number of graded beers:


D Grade (non twists)


Macs Gold

Canterbury Draft


C Grade

Export 33 (A brew from Timaru which is U Ram IT backwards)


B Grade


Epic Pale Ale (Aucks)

Fullers ESB (extra Special Brew) (London) and Fullers London Pride (which coincidentally is also from the UK capital).

Tuatara Hefe (banana flavoured) (from Reikorangi)

Weka Native Lager (an indigenous brew from the Marlborough region)

Harringtons Rogue Hop pilsner and Monsoon Lager as well as Dopplebock (Christchurch) (Possible A grader).

Mikes Premium Original Lager as well as Original Ale (a nicely designed label from our neighbours up in the Naki).

Dux Delux Classic Lager (from a well established sweet spot in the heart of Christchurch.


A Grade


Greene King IPA a product from Suffolk as well as Abbot Ale

Tetleys English Ale a Draft in a Blue 440ml can from Yorkshire

Ruggles County from Suffolk (what division do they play in???).


The Deal saw a few nibbles and chips (both potato and plastic coloured) trading hands with many taking a conservative approach. In particular Mark would fold faster than Superman on laundry day, to avoid losing any of the precious red coloured disks. Wilson was playing the role of Mother Superior feeding the orphans a range of chicken and salami and sundried tomato pizzas. A debacle from me saw the barbeque soil spill into the saucer like a shipwrecked oiler. Bolts was the 1st opponent to vacate the game and his role as the designated dealer was established almost as quick as Mark chucking in his cards into the inner ring.


The Flop highlights saw Mark adding a few variations on the fold including the bluff fold, the disappointed looking fold, the “oh no cant win with That” fold just to name a few. Players were beginning to enjoy the range of brews and the last of the pizzas were consumed in normal fashion. Players including Dave and Adam saw their chips run dry as the plays were in favour of others. Harrington proved to be the local favourite, although Bolts did try to oversell it with a few references to his beloved Taranaki twist top.


The Turn led to Wyeth and me twice dicing with death and eventually being overcome by the food chain of online poker addicts. This later led to Mark also eventually be eliminated as the blind increases proved too much for him to stay in the game with his “No I’ll fold” one liner. A few more Ales were consumed. Wyeth Began to abuse anyone who asked him about how he got the nickname the WALL from. Later it was established he was as solid as a wall on Defence, however the calls kept on coming about at solid as DIHOREHA you mean.


As Jono has taken it upon himself to hand out Nick Names Willy Nilly including the former Beauey being called Polly and Aaron with Lamo it seems he may be the newest member to be succumbed to a new nickname. Maybe Fridge would be a better resemblance of the self proclaimed defensive guru. A Fridge is one which is easy to open up, packs in a large number of beers and is unable to turn sharply when chasing an opponent who has evaded the flat footed still standing object.


Going into the River (without a paddle) there were only two contestants left. A Bromance was formed and instead of playing it out to the death the two new found lovers decided to split the pot and moved their relationship to the next level. After a questionable call from Lamo earlier in the week RE Casper possibly needing as escort (later interpreted as a self invite on Lamos behalf) the two tied the knot in the most unadmirable fashion. The crowd challenged the integrity of the two with Big Ears claiming the newly unfolded events were preposterous. Casper claiming that it was too much effort to count his chips. We all wish you two happy times ahead.


The post match saw players vacate faster than a student out of a lunchtime detention. Wyeth sent through an order to his better half “get me outa here”. Lamo and Casper jumped on the bandwagon and one can only assume the backseat proved a perfect ending to each of their nights. The biological identities called for a cab concluding what was a successful night.


 17 March 2009


Match Report: Marauders Vs Sunday Blazes.

Venue UHC 1PM

Attendees: : Jono Wyeth, Adam Wilson, Chris Bolton, Aaron Sweet, Grant Davies, Mark Anderson, David Anderson and myself (Nathan Wooding).Andrew Beaumont, Michael Dempster, Will Pinkney and Josh Moore.

Debutants: Jeremy Fong.

Non-Attendees: Matt Hurley (Trans-Tasman tour).


The Marauders were geared up for another star studded performance on the pitch. All players arrived and began the routinely duties and engaged in a disarray of their usual “E Grade” warm ups.  “Fridge” Wyeth invited his girls football team to learn from the very best of the best footballers in the Upper Hutt region. The delay in arrival of the opposition went somewhat un-noticed until what one can only describe as “the van from Scooby Doo” pulled up with “Daphne and Shaggy” asking if we were the Marauders. The rest of the combie vans seemed to follow in convoy.


Come one o’clock and with the Blazers all kitted up there was still no sign of the referee. The blazers were performing a hippie Voo Doo dance of some description and local 2nd XI captain Greg Woolley kitted up to take the field as the referee. At about 5 past kick off time Pedro showed up and began taking his time in getting kitted up. One can only assume he was having an intimate discussion with a fellow member of the community before the match as he was pulling up his socks and shorts.


To kick off and the opposition started in a unique fashion. A number of short passes inside the Marauders half saw players being bedazzled that Armish Hippies can play a bit of football. With all but a minority of players attempting to win possession the Blaze of Glory ran amok though our midfield only to be cleaned up by a covering defender. Play flowed a bit better after this and the first half saw a number of chances being blown. The first real chance came from a nice through ball from Casper out to me who skipped around an opponent and drilled a cross turn shot off the crossbar with the second phase of this fine play nicely finished off by Lamo who made a timely dash from right half and was the first to react, slotting the ball between the two posts.


The only other taken opportunity saw Lamo hitting the keeper with an attempted shot which fell nicely for Mark to slot in the second. 2-0 to the Marauders in the opening stanza. Lamo then managed to perform a full entourage of panel beating, gaining two Level two credits in Metal Work in the process, on the opposition frame as he managed to ute more “ping” than a Stripper from Upper Hutt. The hippies came back with more “time” off than a working week down their left hand side and received a string of free kicks and corners on the stroke of half time. Hands in the back saw a few opportunities and with tall timbered fully facial haired numbers occupying the Marauders Box, a well composed Defensive unit defused the situation to maintain a 2 goal cushion going into the break.


The second half saw a well uted one two from Polly and Lamo finishing to extend the lead out to 3. A good build up and composure saw a string of passes creating space and making the opposition look silly with Lamo doubling his match tally to 2. With the Bible in their hands, the beards began a barrage of brilliant balls through the middle again from the restart and made us look very ordinary. The “fridge” made his début in the middle and found the workload quite intense but did a good job for the quarter of an hour he occupied in the pivot position. A good through ball to me the best opportunity of the second half be all but butchered. A threaded ball found space in the opposition goal box but a woeful first touch saw the chance vanish just as fast as it appeared. A well timed tackle saw the ball finding the direction of the opposition goal line and although not the classiest of finishes a goal was given. A lesson in that defence begins at the front and that defenders can’t afford to take time in clearing the ball off the line.


The fridge needed to regulate its temperature after dispersing a number of ingredients, on the sideline (sideline with Andrew Voss) with the interchange rule seeing Wilson return to the game. Welcome back to the Field Wilson for the Second time today.


With the score flattering the Home Side both sides central midfield fired up with too and fro football flowing from one end to another as the clock wound down. The “Sideburns duo” created links with the strikers and the Blazes created a number of chances. The defensive line was tested on a number of occasions and both Dempster and Fong uting great covering tackles which needed to be made. Dempster proving why he is the best defender in Premiere Youth Grade football. Josh Moore began to make a number of runs down the LHS (left hand side) and showed he is capable of playing in a number of positions competently. Davey made a few remarks about possibly playing up front but he wasn’t given the opportunity to do so and did a good job at the back along with the fridge and the young pups.


The final hurrah saw “Fridge” Wyeth make a dashing run into the box and a well created link between Polly and him resulted in Fridge scoring his first goal of the season (own goal aside). This was a marvellous event and a well timed first time slot meant that the man who has NOT scored an eleven a side goal in over a decade broke his draught in excellent fashion. The clock wound down and Bolts was called into play a few more times but the game was done and dusted. 5-0. Three cheers took place in quite possibly the most brilliant fashion ever and the duties were performed before the lads took to the after match local. Another 3 points to the Mighty Marauders, BRILLIANT!!!!




Matt:  Failing to inform the team via email of his absence.

Polly: Not attending Friday Night Poker due to being too ill.

Casper and Lamo: Calling a potential great encounter a draw and splitting the pot on Friday Night.

Fridge: Scoring a goal and putting it in the school notices.

Wilson: Foul throws from Fong and Mooreski also.

Bolts: Failing to own a football shirt.

Lamo: Failing to bring a football shirt and instead bringing a NZ warriors shirt.

Will: Failing to attend after match function and poker night (excused to one as he had prior commitments).


Big ups:

Wilson: Falling over and blaming me!

Lamo for finding the net twice

Dempster for solidarity and composure in defence.

Petro for entertaining us with his composition and his Spanish inquisition.

Blazers Central Midfield for having outstanding facial hair patterns, Fabio like hairdos and Foreign Flair.


The Marauders Football Club
New Zealand

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